Wedding Blessings

婚禮的祝福
陳奕迅
詞: 許常德 曲: 陳建寧, 陳政卿
From the recording: 婚禮的祝福, Track #1

時間一秒一秒一秒 倒數計時
往事一幕一幕一幕 突然靜止
你挽著他 他挽著你 向我走過來
同桌的人蜂擁而上 將你我隔開

我乾杯 你隨意 這是個殘酷的喜劇
我的人生早留在你那裡 我卻還要故作瀟灑地

*你和他 我和你 這是個諷刺的交集
是你太殘忍 還是我太天真
你要我來 就真的出席

+我的請帖是你的喜帖
你要的一切如今都變成我的心碎
你總是太清醒 我始終喝不醉
連祝福 你還逼我給
你的喜帖是我的請帖
你邀我舉杯 我只能回敬我的崩潰
在場的都知道 你我曾那麼好
如今整顆心都碎了
你還要我微笑 + *

Repeat * +

Wedding Musings

One Last Cry
Brian McKnight
From the recording: Brian McKnight, Track #6

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
I gave my best to you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry
Cry.....

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
Gotta get over you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind
For the very last time
Stop living a lie

I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on
And on ....
And on ....

I'm gonna dry my eyes
Right after I've had my
One last cry

One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind
For the very last time
Been living a lie

I guess I'm down,
I guess I'm down,
I guess I'm down...
To my last cry...

What I Lack

Went to a wedding banquet tonight, where they did it right and had a dance floor right in the hall for everyone to dance after dinner.

This may come as a surprise, but I actually paid attention in P.E. classes back in junior high. Well, it's kinda hard not to pay attention in P.E. classes. In any case, the point is, I actually learned some dance steps that I can still vaguely remember. So, no, dancing isn't something I'd be scared of. It's the girl I'd have to dance with that scares me. Or rather, it's the part where you ask the girl for a dance that scares me most.

Anyway, I think there was supposed to be a point to this entry, but it got lost during the time I spent working on my assignment. So I'll just wing it from here on in.

Like I said earlier, as Luis astutely pointed out, songs I listen to reflect my deepest emotions. Judging by what I listen to these days, things have been going downhill for the past week or so. I feel like I've been in a funk of late, a neverending rut I seem to get halfway out of, then slip and tumble back in deeper than before.

I recognize the need for me to be content with myself, with where God has placed me in life, with what I've achieved, with where I'm going next. This is the only way to solve life's problems: Not by jumping from one lifesaver to the next (like some people are doing), but by accepting myself and my circumstances.

Evil? Or Just Plain Stupid?

I don't know which one hurts more.

Envy

1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

I've gotta admit, I'm envious and perhaps even jealous of my best friend.

Oh well, things happen (or don't happen) for a reason.

ENCM503 Assignment 1

I thought about posting the pictures my program generated to give you all an idea of what we're doing in this Digital Video Processing course, but then I remembered that doing so could result in me being charged with plagiarism. So I won't post them on here until the deadline for the assignment has passed.

It's Just The Beginning...

Here we are, the first assignment of our final year...

... shite, how do we do this?

Loads of programming, plus readings still to do for the Playstation2 project...

The IBM information session was outstanding, if only for the reason that they've now made me really, really want to work for them. I don't know if that's a good thing for them though, hiring a lazy bum like me. *Laughs*

Apparently though, my friend in Toronto, who's actually working for IBM right now, tells me the lab is nothing to get too excited about. It's a shame that I didn't have time back in June to check it out for myself.

Anyway... wow, I'd been working for like, five hours straight. About time to go to bed now... gonna see mom off at the airport tomorrow morning. Three weeks without her around... yay!!!

Oh, one last thing... Luis and Sharon have been asking me to chip in on getting bunnies for Luis' apartment... I'm still thinkin' about it, as is Luis' roommate Anson... but I mean, if I don't have to keep her in my house, I don't see why not... *Evil laugh*

The Pain Keeps Coming Back...

Every little thing brings up memories of things long past the point of salvaging.

Every little thing.

Every little damn thing.

I'm so tired. Tired of trying to move forward one day and being dragged back into the past the next. Tired of trying to move on. Tired of telling myself I've moved on. Tired of pretending to everyone else I've moved on. Why can't I just get to the place I'm supposed to move on to and get this all over with? It's been ten months for crying out loud. Ten freaking months. A freaking child could've been born in that time.

Some might think starting a new relationship helps one move on. I secretly think that's bogus. How do you concentrate on your new relationship when you're still affected by the past? I know someone who's in that situation; the girl isn't too happy when the boy gets all emotional about his ex.

There's so much to learn about being secure in myself, about appreciating my strengths, about accepting who I am. But I feel like I'm walking around in circles, a hopeless man in the desert of brokenheartedness.

Restoration

I really want to put Day 20 of the Purpose-Driven Life to work. But it's really hard to try to restore a fellowship when the other party still doesn't want to see you, even when you're just five feet away.

Quiet

安靜
周杰倫
詞/曲：周杰倫

只剩下鋼琴陪我談了一天
睡著的大提琴 安靜的 舊舊的

我想你已表現得非常明白
我懂我也知道 你沒有捨不得

你說你也會難過 我不相信
牽著你陪著我 也只是曾經
希望他是真的比我還要愛你
我才會逼自己離開

你要我說多難堪 我根本不想分開
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過
我沒有這種天份 包容你也接受他
不用擔心得太多 我會一直好好過
你已經遠遠離開 我也會慢慢走開
為什麼我連分開都遷就著你
我真的沒有天份 安靜得沒這麼快
我會學著放棄你 是因為我太愛你

Basic Life Principles

The ultimate information overload.

Can't deny it though, the seminar helped me a lot. A huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Combine that with Day 20 of the Purpose-Driven Life and I feel like I'm ready for anything.

Thank God for His teachings!

Am I Free?

Prayed the prayer prescribed last night in the Basic Life Principles Seminar. Feels like I'm finally free of the shackles of the past 10 months, nay, 3 years. Or I could be fooling myself.

Holy Crap... Worst Class Ever

First day of classes, 1 pm, the only class after lunch.

We're there in our seats with my laptop out trying to figure out why the AirUC wireless connection wasn't working all of a sudden. Then Dr. Russian-Guy walks in from the front door, five minutes late, no course outline ready for distribution, starts writing his contact information on the board without erasing the leftovers from the previous class, then writes a generally vague outline of topics to be covered in this course, mumbles on for no more than five minutes, and walks out the back door, leaving a roomful of stunned students in his wake.

Incredible. Somehow, though, I have this sneaking suspicion that this is how University is supposed to be. That we've been getting ripped off for 45 minutes every class for the past three years.

Let Go

When you realize what you do does not affect something, that something ceases to affect what you do. That is the meaning of letting go.

Unprepared

Holy crap. School starts for real tomorrow and I still have no idea when and where my classes are. Holy crap.

On a side note, I suppose I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, get my act together, and get something productive done. When it's obvious you pay no attention to how I feel, why should I let your actions bother me? Choices, choices, choices.

Oh, and perhaps now isn't the best time to return to Saturday choir. Not if my heart isn't set on serving and glorifying God.

Somehow it feels like I still haven't released all the emotions I got pent up. What is it that I'm feeling?

I said previously that I would not allow myself to be replaced. But the truth is, I've already been. And it would be senseless to trigger comparisons. I have my friends who see me as who I am, and love me for who I am. Most of all, Christ accepts me the way I am. What's there to worry about?

I've Lost Enough

Really, really frustrated.

Not mildly. Not sort of. Not moderately. Not a little. Not somewhat. Not slightly. Not marginally.

Really, really frustrated.

Frustrated because I found out who showed up at choir dinner last night.

Really frustrated.

I know you wouldn't give a shit how I feel about what you do. That's fair. But the choir is my place of serving. It's my stomping grounds. I do not intend to let others replace me in every aspect of life.

It's time to fight back. Enough is enough. I need to reclaim what is rightfully mine. Starting today.

Wreck 2

Beaten. Exhausted. Weak. KO'ed. Can't get up. Losing battle. Why get up? What's left to fight for? Isolated. Alone. Lamb to the slaughter. Ashamed. Humiliated. Bound. Cuffed. Chained. Why? Liberate me. Give me back my self. Be strong. Be strong. Be strong. The weak are trampled on. Head held high. Strengthen my faith. I get knocked down, but I'll get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down. I'll do the right thing. The mature, responsible thing. The bigger man.

Luis' Insight

Luis had the insight to note that I mostly listen to songs that reflect my innermost feelings. While I love the following song, I don't share the regret or the wish to turn back the clock in the lyrics.

She's Out of My Life
Josh Groban
Music and Lyrics: Tom Bahler
From the recording: Closer (Special Edition), Track #15

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted
I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands

So I've learned that love's not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

A Wreck

Suckerpunched. Winded. Can't breathe. Hollow. Dazed. Shock. Defiant laugh. Numb. Cold. No tears. Angry? Pain. Hope? I will not cry. Not worth my tears. God has prepared me. Shell of a man. Blank. No tears. No tears. No tears. Crying inside? Bleeding inside? Broken. Pity. Class tomorrow. Not up for it. Depression? Not having it. Won't allow it. Bitter, defiant laugh.

What's the Deal with Love?

Thinkin' of making a five-year deal with God. I know we're in no positions to negotiate with our Creator, but perhaps I'm ready to set a target to pray for.

Girl of my Dreams

Judging by last night's dream, she's rather unattainable.

Wedding Crashers

I'll take this chance to congratulate the newlyweds, Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Law. I've known the couple for a combined 20 years now, and honest to God, if there's anybody in my age group I would want to model my life after, they'd fit the bill.

The ceremony was touching if not entertaining. The banquet, though none of the speakers cried, and there was no dance floor for the couple's first dance as husband and wife, was a beautiful celebration of this exciting new chapter in their life. A gathering of people who love them dearly, and want nothing but the best for them.

While I'm sure this is the happiest day of their lives, I hope it doesn't peak here. I hope every subsequent day will become the happiest day of their life, as God's blessings fill their cup to the point of overflowing.

Ben & Spring, 我哋支持你!!

Motivation

Why do I do the things I do?