"Christmas" Spectacular... Christmas "Secular"?

Went to the Radio City Music Hall next to the Rockefeller Center today (Christmas Day) with Ray and Andrya and her aunt's family to see the Christmas Spectacular show.

Spectacular it was, but it felt shallow and devoid of meaning. Santa's and elves, toys and dancers. Sure, they paid lip service by tagging on the nativity story at the end. But still, all in all, not so impressed.

More to come later about... flight to New York, Sunday service at NYCAC, not seeing the Statue of Liberty twice, rainy Christmas Day, and the $55 evening Andrya's friend took us to.

Frasier - Episode 4x02

Niles Crane: "... the first step toward healing is not to bury the pain, but to feel it at its fullest depth."

Have Not, Want Not

You see, it matters not what I want.

Because I'll never get what I want.

That's how life works. My life isn't about me.

Even in my life, I'm an afterthought.

Crumbling...

... under the constant pressure, the expectations, the unattainable standards, the impossible quest for happiness...

Why do I even bother? We all know where it'll eventually end.

Upcoming Events

Nov 12: Indoor Soccer @ Calgary West Soccer Centre @ 2pm

Nov 17/18: Between Friends Holiday Sale @ Glenbow Museum Shop @ 10am-9pm/10am-530pm

Nov 17/18/19 + 24/25/26: International Christmas Market @ Spruce Meadows @ 10am-8pm/10am-6pm/10am-5pm

Nov 21: Ruby Tuesday @ Art Central @ 6pm

Nov 24: Company Christmas Party @ Spruce Meadows @ 6pm

Nov 28: Calgary Flames vs. Colorado Avalanche @ Saddledome @ 7pm (Cheap tix!)

Dec 1/2: Snowfall - A Michael Hope Christmas @ Jack Singer @ 8pm (Too expensive!) (Actually I could get cheap tix but now it's too late and I've already booked up my times)

Dec 2/3/4: Knox/CBC Carol Festival @ Knox United Church @ 7pm (Free!)

Dec 7/8: Händel's Messiah @ Jack Singer @ 730pm (Cheap tix!)

Dec 14/15/16: A Traditional Christmas @ Grace Presbyterian Church @ 7pm/7pm/2pm (Mom's going with Dad... my birthday present to her)

Dec 16: Christmas Turkey Dinner @ Cheung's Residence @ 6pm (?)

Scathing

Why is it that we boys are the ones who want to see the commitment through, and them girls are the ones who haven't a clue what they want and give up in the face of difficulties?

I thought things were supposed to be the other way around. I thought girls (esp. older ones) were the ones who would want to hang on to a relationship.

Apparently I was wrong. Apparently we boys are the pathetic ones and them girls are the freedom-cravers who cannot stand to be tied down by a relationship.

Or perhaps they just enjoy toying with young, naïve boys and breaking their hearts.

Apple Mac OS X 10.5 - Leopard

Since I couldn't get Tiger working on my P4 laptop, I'm thinking I'll do the opposite.

Buy an iMac with Leopard and dual boot it with Windows Vista.

So I should save up some money to buy an iMac when Leopard comes out next spring.

Going broke...

Fall

September, the leaves fall and flowers all wither
October comes 'round and you change your phone number
November goes by, and you tell me "We're over"
December is here, I am lost in Manchester

September, October, November, December
I pray oh I wish I would never remember
The words that you said, the words that you whispered
I cannot let go, but they're all lost forever

I'm sorry I wrote this but I had no choice
When one is inspired then one must give voice
To the ghosts within

Dear Deers...

Heard too many complaints over the last couple weeks about the depressing mood of my blog. So I thought I'd try to cheer things up a bit around here.

Went to drop off this Saturday's meal ticket stuff at Auntie Grace's last night, and actually saw three - count 'em, three - deers right outside her place. Two of them were literally on the driveway standing between me and the front door. The third was around the street corner. I got out of my car and they looked at me a bit before skittering off quietly into the night. It was a truly magnificent sight.

Now, I could ruin this "cheery" post by lamenting that I had noone to share the moment with...

... but I won't do that.

Fear of Doors

Doors continue to close around me, one after another.

You know, eventually, a person can develop a fear of doors, to the point where he's afraid to step through open ones.

Afraid that it'll slam shut in his face.

Afraid that he'll get his toes caught in the opening.

Someone

So lonely.

Noone to talk to when I want to talk.

Noone to call at times of need, of frustration, or even of joy.

I need someone.

Someone who's happy to see me.

Someone who's happy that I'm happy to see her.

Someone who'll listen to me talking about the big stuff, the important stuff.

Someone who'll talk to me about the big stuff, the important stuff.

Someone who'll listen to me talking about the small stuff, the mundane everyday nothings.

Someone who'll talk to me about the small stuff, the mundane everyday nothings.

Someone... who's happy to fix my crooked tie.

My 3-Hour Ride Home

Long, long day.

Just got home at 9.

Let me recount:

Got out of the office at 6. Walked to Southland station. Heard the announcement that all trains are delayed due to an accident at Chinook. Got on the train. Start and stop. Start and stop. Got off the train at Chinook maybe half an hour later. Walked to Futureshop a block and a half away. Got my CD. Walked back to the station. Took a detour to Home Depot for burger and a mocha. Got on the train again. Verbally harassed by some white kid, who was either intoxicated or mental, possibly both. Delayed again at Sunnyside when the crazy white kid started a fight with someone at the other end of the car. Delayed still again when we had to get off at Brentwood cuz the train was turning back. Got on the next train, which, thankfully, came a minute later. Went to the library looking for books. Finally got home at 9.

So there you are. Longest ride home ever.

Simon Says...

... "So, do you have a girlfriend right now?"

... "No."

Well, that was the gist of it anyway.

The question caught me so off guard that I didn't quite know what to follow "No." up with.

Should I try to explain? Would he understand? Or maybe I could ask him to hook me up with someone?

In the end, nothing came.

Backwards

I've got it all backwards, haven't I?

I need to long for God first, before I long for a companion.

I need to learn to find satisfaction in God first.

I need to learn to crave His Word and His Way first.

I need to cultivate an intimate relationship with God first.

And that means first getting rid of all things that could cause me to stumble and fall into sin.

It's not easy.

But nobody ever said a Godly life was easy.

Luke 9:23... "Then [Jesus] said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'"

I need to learn self-denial.

My Three Degrees of Desperation

I miss the past...

... I despise the present...

... and I dread the future...

My James Blunt Concert

Totally awesome.

James Blunt live.

Totally awesome.

Except for the three crazy b*tches behind us who screamed at nothing and everything.

My Staurophobia

Staurophobia: Fear of crosses or the crucifix.

The cross, it still tears me apart.

Please, have mercy. Remove it from my sight.

Why must you be so cruel? What did I do to you?

My Starbucks Visa Card...

... has apparently been sitting at the local Royal Bank branch for the past four weeks without my knowing.

This lady called today saying they left a message earlier when it arrived early October.

I was so surprised I said, "WOW! Really?? Early October you say??"

Obviously I never got the message.

Guess I'll go pick it up later tonight or maybe tomorrow when I have the day off.

The question is... which branch was it mailed to...?

My Saturday

Fellowship committee meeting this past Saturday.

Took us four hours.

Seriously need to change that.

The atmosphere... is worrying.

Too many people unwilling to compromise or collaborate.

Arguing over petty little things.

My head was throbbing all day. Slept like a log that night.

The Ricky's Counselling course wasn't really useful, if you ask me.

Belittled by some cocky uncle who thinks he's some wiseman guru.

Unbelievable.

My... Ramblings

Haven't blogged in a while.

Not a lot happening of late. Work five days a week. Church Saturday. Church Sunday. Work...

James Blunt concert this Friday. Taking the day off so there's no rush rush.

Still trying to work through issues from two years ago. They keep rearing their ugly heads.

It still hurts. But what can I do? Go to another church? Leave town?

All I can do is brace myself for more every week.

Am I a masochist?

My Disillusionment

Very, very, extremely annoyed about choir right now.

I was not aware that the 诗班长 had the authority to hire and fire as she wished.

I wonder what sort of input was sought on these decisions.

I wonder who, if anyone, was consulted.

This is supposed to be a God-serving choir, not someone's selective play group.

Are we supposed to be scared now? Are we supposed to suck up to her and get in her good books so we can stay in the choir?

I'd be even more outraged if some higher power authorized this.

This is getting out of control. Ridiculous.

I demand an explanation.

My Heavy Heart

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)
Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy I
I will lift it for you
Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you I
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside I
I'll be there to find you
Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you I
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved
You are loved

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Everyone needs to be heard
You are loved

My Just Reward

This is not good...

I'm actually beginning to accept defeat...

I'm actually beginning to accept that I'll never live happily ever after...

I'm actually beginning to accept that God will not give me an abundant life because my sins are too heavy for His grace...

I'm actually beginning... to accept... that I will be alone...

尋常

在這個將一切... 貶值成爲"尋常"... 的社會裏...

我實在... 不能再... 生存下去了...

永別了...

Interesting Parallel

What's more interesting to see?

The migration of salmon fish eastward up the river to spawn and die?

Or the migration of humans westward down the highway to watch these salmon fish spawn and die?

XD wahahaha I kill myself...

My Perfect Plan...

... is about to fall apart.

Don't ruin it for me, Luis.

...

Downloading songs by Josh Groban that weren't released on his two albums. And of course waiting for his newest album, AWAKE, to be released November 7.

My Hat Trick

What a way to go out at the end of the season.

The cabbies didn't show up yesterday so we went down to Northland and played the Center St. Church people. We went about 8v8 on a shortened field. They had a great young player, Justin, who was unquestionably the best of us all. Then they made the mistake of sticking him in goal and we dominated.

Scored a hat trick, and I was most proud of the second and third goals. The first one I don't remember much of. I think it was a simple tap-in.

The second one, I took a pass from Davis in midfield, ran past 3 or 4 players, and slotted the ball into the far corner at the end of the first half.

Came close to a third early in the second half when I got the ball around 20 yards out in the middle, and had a little space, so I curled it towards goal right away. It beat the keeper but came back off the crossbar.

The third one, when it finally came, I somehow ended up with the ball on the right side about 20 yards from goal, and just shot it as hard as I could while trying to keep it on target. Justin was in goal at the time and he got a hand to it, but it fell into the net behind him anyway. Actually I think if he didn't get a touch, it might've hit the bar a second time.

I think it was generally a good performance, considering my glasses kept slipping everytime I looked down and I had a hard time trying to see the ball at my feet. Still tire too easily, and probably should've scored a couple more, but all in all not a bad outing.

Now, onto indoor practice season...

My Dilemma

On one hand... Christmas computer upgrade (current prices):

• AMD Athlon 64 X2 4200+ Socket AM2 CPU - $214.95
• Zalman CNPS9500 heatsink & fan - $69.95
• Mushkin XP2-6400/8000 DDR2 SDRAM 1GB Dual Pack (2x512MB) memory - $199.95
• 2x eVGA e-GeForce 7900 GT KO 256MB PCI-E video cards - 2x$319.95
• MSI K9N motherboard - $229.95
• Seagate 320GB Barracuda 7200.10 SATA II - $109.95

Total - $1464.65 + GST

On the other hand... Europe next year?

My Healing

Knees are getting better... scabs are coming off bits at a time... the two deepest wounds are still being treated with Polysporin as joint movements cause the scabs to rip and the wounds become exposed. But the itching indicates healing and if we didn't have the Phase 3 Dialog this Sunday I could probably play.

My Epiphany

One of those rare, frustrating mornings where I simply couldn't fall asleep on the train until I nearly missed getting off at my stop.

My mind wouldn't take a break. I started wondering whether it'd be a good idea to date a student. Whether she'd understand what I was going through at work. Whether she'd be able to help me through it.

Then I thought about Luis and Sharon, and wondered how Luis is able to help Sharon through whatever she faces at work.

Then I thought about the fellowship split-up, the whole "we're not students anymore" bunch of crap.

And then I realized... that maybe... just maybe... I was so opposed to the fellowship split-up because it reminded me of my own breakup.

NYC Plans

• Dec 23 - Arrival
• Dec 30 - Washington Capitals @ New York Rangers - Madison Square Garden
• Jan 2 - Departure

My Left Knee

Still hurting.

Still limping.

Still swollen.

Didn't notice the swelling until days later because the flesh wounds were so excruciatingly painful already.

Ice is my friend... ice is my friend.

My Question

Who bought our house?

Working on-site again... sorta

Gonna be out of the office again next Thursday.

Not going far though... in fact, closer than the office.

Gonna help man the company booth at the U of C Science & Engineering Career Fair. :-D

Boy that's gonna be fun... I miss being on campus.

Hoping to run into a few people too...

Rug Burn

Kept waking up in the middle of the night last night.

Left knee still smarting from the rug burns. Astroturf is rather unforgiving.

It's like running a piece of steelwool across the skin repeatedly until you're rubbed raw.

The wounds, three on my left knee and one on my right, were deep enough that they were still seeping blood hours later.

What else has happened the past few days?

Found out we're supposed to get site pay if we go onsite for more than 14 days. Will have to look that up.

Got another entry coming about American TV.

Dangerous Driving

Nearly fell asleep behind the wheels again on the I-35 going to Wichita... I'm so sleep-deprived.

Drove down to Norman on Monday hoping to take pictures on the University of Oklahoma campus. It started pouring so hard that streets were flooded and there was no way for me to get out of the car, let alone expose my camera to the elements.

So I left the campus and drove to Olive Garden to eat, and as I was driving across the bridge over the interstate, the boat being towed in front of me jerked its head up as though it'd run into something. I stepped on the brakes, which promptly locked on the slippery road surface, and my car started skidding straight towards the boat.

Thank God I let go of the brakes and steered just in time to swerve into the next lane. Thank God there were no cars in the next lane at the time. Thank God even more that I didn't swerve right into the opposite lane where cars were stopped for the red light.

Life is so fragile... nobody can tell what might happen the next minute...

You're frickin' kiddin', right?!

My word I can't believe what my project manager just said to me.

We'd said last night that we'd meet at 630 for breakfast and be at the office by 7.

I woke up at 630, got to the breakfast room a little after 645, and I skipped breakfast so we could leave right away and we got to the office around 705 or 710, and you know what he just said to me?

"Alex, when we set a time, could you try to be more punctual?"

What the frick do you want, damn it?! It's SEVEN FRICKIN' A.M.!!! The Conoco supervisor isn't even IN YET!!!!

Asshole. Way to motivate your troops. Asshole.

Day 3

Head about to explode.

11p.m. the night before I was to board a 7a.m. flight, my glasses decided to break a leg. Couldn't have come at a worse time. Thank God that mom found a spare pair stashed away somewhere I couldn't find.

Long trip on Monday, and I have to do all the driving since I'm the only driver registered for the rental car. Been workin' like crazy the past couple days.

I'm so weak... in every aspect of the person...

Oklahoma, Round 2

Back to Ponca City tomorrow...

I hope nothing goes wrong... like I said before... bad things happen when I'm away...

7a.m. flight too... I'm gonna die...

Sigh...

Does anyone actually miss me when I'm gone...?

Like, really miss me...?

Christmas Plans

Planning to visit New York City and surrounding area over Christmas.

Cities we could see:

• NYC (duh)
• Washington, D.C.
• Boston
• Atlantic City
• Philadelphia

Things to do in NYC:

• See a Rangers game
• Broadway (The Phantom of the Opera!)
• Climb the Statue of Liberty
• Watch the ball drop at Times Square
• Climb the Empire State Building
• Cross the Brooklyn Bridge
• See the Grand Central station
• Picnic in Central Park
• Christmas Tree at the Rockefeller Plaza
• Visit the WTC Site

That's all I can think of at the moment... will update as we go...

#10

Based on today's performance...

I don't think I deserve #10...

But then again I was feeling weak and dehydrated...

Worst Night Ever

Oh God that was so completely totally awful.

Had a headache last night so went to bed early, with my stomach still feeling stuffed from lunch, and you could've expected the restless sleep with nightmares and the 4a.m. wake-up.

Have a soccer game this afternoon and I have no energy whatsoever right now.

Team Building

Awesome day of whitewater rafting out near Sundre on the Red Deer River. Loads of fun, got so totally soaking wet and cold, but seriously so much fun.

Went to Smuggler's Inn with the group after, huge 20-ounce piece of rib-eye that I couldn't finish, a side of mushrooms that I couldn't finish, a glass of Woodbridge Cabernet Sauvignon that I couldn't quite finish, and an espresso.

Time for bed now... long day.

不要...

Honestly, sometimes I don't know what I want in a girl...

But... looking around me... perhaps I'm starting to understand what I don't want...

令人想哭的漫畫

... 我們的足球場...

一部我覺得很成功的漫畫.

很少看漫畫會感動得想哭的.

看龍珠, 看足球小將, 都沒有哭.

看我們的足球場, 看得渾身戰抖.

諾諾回家了

昨晚是廖啓智陳敏兒的見證分享佈道會.

熒幕上播著很感人的片段, 天真活潑的廖文諾, 很懂事, 很老成的一個小孩, 帶給身邊的人很多的歡樂.

縱使他的生命很短暫.

我沒有哭. 這不代表我無動於衷. 我只是沒有眼淚.

爭啲...

... 就世界波...

隊友一記左路傳中, 落點離門大概十五到二十碼, 我走位接應, 但個波迴旋落在我身後. 好辛苦先從 Kelly 看管下爭取到少許空間, 我再控定就會失去射門機會. 於是順勢前傾, 側身用左腳外檔由身後淩空窩利射球. 自己連個波喺邊都見唔到, 不過食得好應, 然後瞓咗喺地先見到個波從天而降, 撞中柱角, 彈出...

就爭半尺...

愛是懷疑

有點懷疑, 其實, 是不是, 愛誰, 不重要, 只在乎, 全心去愛?

當然, 她必需是基督徒.

但是, 還有什麽, 是必需的?

释放

现在的感觉, 舒服多了.

对将来有盼望, 感觉原来可以这么好.

依然憧憬美丽的邂逅, 依然向往浪漫的约会, 依然期待深情的爱慕, 依然渴望激烈的热恋.

Summer Conference

Just got back from the conference today. It was a nice getaway. The speakers were quite inspirational. Their lives truly exemplify the concept of "an instrument for God".

Don't really know what else to say. Got so tanned this weekend. Nights were boring cuz nobody went. Had to handle powerpoint duties out of the blue.

But I still enjoyed it.

(Gosh, why am I talking like a fob all of a sudden?)

解脫

上一篇的 blog 是有必要的.

不是因爲我依然抑鬱依然低落.

正因爲我需要從泥沼中爬出來.

別擔心, 我會復原的.

復原的第一步已經踏出了.

別再原地轉圈了.

往事不堪回首

也許我還是放不下.

也許我不放下的話, 永遠都走不出這死胡同.

和她一起的兩年, 是我人生最快樂的日子.

分手之後的兩年, 是我人生最痛苦的日子.

兩年之後又兩年, 再過兩年, 會是怎麽樣的境況?

日子兩年兩年的過去, 剩下的是什麽? 不過是一陣陣的唏噓, 内疚, 羞愧.

一切不再有任何意義, 任何價值.

時間會沖淡一切, 直到回憶中只剩下朦朧的身影.

往日的愚昧, 成爲今天的教訓.

把自己從昨天釋放出來, 畢竟時光不能倒流.

到如今都不明白, 但這個解釋已經不再重要.

她的喜怒哀樂, 已與我無關. 令她快樂, 不再是我的責任. 那兩年裏, 我已經盡了力.

讓一切長眠, 讓時間磨滅一切, 直到剩下的只有看不見的痕跡, 也許是唯一的辦法.

受夠了.

Buttheading

If hitting someone with your head is called headbutting... then do you call getting hit in the head buttheading?

Anyway, I ask because I got whacked in the head by a stray fist in soccer yesterday over lunch. Guy's a crap player, okay? I was going to dribble around him and that clumsy bastard whacked me on the forehead. I was seriously stunned by the blow. Even now it still hurts to frown.

People at work are getting rougher in soccer. I'm not sure it's worth it anymore.

好讽刺

昨晚的晚餐, 好多人.

都是爸妈的师兄师姐师弟师妹, 以前的同事等等.

出乎意料的是某人的父母也在一席.

庆幸的事, 某人没有在场. 大概在收拾行李.

颇为尴尬的场面. 最讽刺的是, 当一班 uncle auntie 问起谁的公子谁的千金什么时候结婚时, 某人的母亲说, 我的两个女儿没有人要啊.

啼笑皆非的场面.

Merci...

Thanks... I really needed that.

Thanks for being such a loyal friend.

Thanks for being unafraid to speak your mind with honesty.

10 weeks

So it took 10 full weeks to finally happen.

Yup, I parked my car at Brentwood, and was about to get out when I realized I'd forgotten my work card.

So back we went to my place. By the time we left again it was 0744. So we decided to drive all the way down. Took Stoney, Sarcee, Glenmore, and 14th. Finally parked at work around 0830.

So there you have it. The inevitable happens.

yes all you have to do is cry...

Closer
Joshua Radin

so we're alone again
i wish it were over
we seem to never end
only get closer
to the point where i can take no more
the clouds in your eyes
down your face they pour
won't you

be the new one burn to shine
i take the blue ones every time
walk me down your broken line
all you have to do is cry
yes all you have to do is cry

hush my baby now
your talking is just noise
and won't lay me down
amongst your toys
in a room where i can take no more
the clouds in your eyes
down your face they pour
won't you

be the new one burn to shine
i take the blue ones every time
walk me down your broken line
all you have to do is cry
yes all you have to do is cry

photographs and brightly colored paper
are your masks you wear in this caper
that is our life
we walk right into the strife
and a tear from your eye brings me home
won't you

be the new one burn to shine
i take the blue ones every time
walk me down your broken line
all you have to do is cry
all you have to do is cry

Randomaton

negative? you bet your ass i'm negative.

weak? you bet your ass i'm weak.

what do i expect? nothing. nothing at all.

twist. stuck. everything.

insulted? yes. but hey, what does it matter? you don't care for my opinion, i don't care for your apology.

how much younger of a bride can a man take before it becomes disturbing?

did i not say? bad things happen when i'm away.

how to achieve emotional death or at least apathy? is there a guide? i'm tired of emotions; they're way overrated.

re-read the above and suddenly felt like i was reading something out of a douglas coupland book.

what do people want more: to be loved or to be needed?

a job rejection is an evaluation of me as a professional; a relationship rejection is an evaluation of me as a person. i can't handle that.

a person sets himself up to get hurt by caring. when you don't care, you don't hurt.

Eternal

You know what sucks? Having to spend eternity in the same place as the one person in the whole universe I hate the most.

C'est Terrible...

I actually caught myself wishing I was eight or ten years younger.

How sick is that?

GOAL!

Scored a brilliant goal today, stealing the ball in the opposition half and scoring from, oh I'd say, a good 20 yards out.

Dad came to watch and take pictures. I'll post them up later.

The Headbutting Butthead... err, Baldhead

Zinedine Zidane, unquestionably the player of his generation - a generation that includes such famous names as Gabriel Batistuta, Dennis Bergkamp, Cafu, Luis Figo, Paolo Maldini, Pavel Nedved, Robert Pires, Raul, Rivaldo, Ronaldo, Francesco Totti, and Juan Sebastian Veron - went into his much-anticipated retirement ten minutes early in a moment of absolute madness.

A disgraceful reaction befitting a hot-tempered teenage gangster to Marco Materazzi's jibes, rather than a professional footballer, a seasoned veteran, hope of a nation, and role models to millions of aspiring children worldwide.

That anybody on the planet can even attempt to defend or justify his amateurish action and childish outburst is bewildering. Last I heard, France was a civilized country where such behaviour on the streets would not be tolerated. Yet there are barbarians who praise this Frenchman for "standing up for himself" and "defending his people's honours", while regarding victory and defeat (on football's biggest stage, no less) with disdain.

The French master, whose performances at times can only be described as majestic, may have won the Golden Ball as the tourney's top player, having carried France through the knockout stages with sublime displays that turned back the clock, but the enduring image of this footballing genius will always be that of his shaven, balding head being thrust into Materazzi's chest.

Business

What you do, what happens to you, how you feel... all of that, they're none of my business anymore.

Perhaps that hurts the most.

唔OK...

Lonely...

Let me sum up today for ya...

Woke up at 2pm, hence missing the England vs. Portugal match, but woke up just in time for Brazil vs. France, so had a small lunch while watching that. Brazil sucked. Ronaldinho had no influence in this match, while Zinedine Zidane was back to his best with slick tricks and creating time and space for everyone around him. And finally he assists on a Thierry Henry goal, albeit only on a set piece. Nevertheless, the Zizou Swansong goes on, and he's a delight to watch even at 34.

After that, took a shower and headed out taking pictures of downtown Ponca City. Streets were quiet today. Went to Mazzio's for lunch/dinner, then drove to Kaw Lake to take more pictures. Got a little ambitious and wanted to see the lake from different locations, and nearly got lost in the countryside after taking a couple of wrong turns. On gravel roads no less. Then drove by this house with a couple of dogs that kept on chasing me and stopping in front of my car. I was more worried about running them over than them blocking my way.

So anyway, finally found my way back to the city before I ran out of gas, thank God. Planning tomorrow's trip down to Oklahoma City. First I'll need to fill up at a gas station...

Oh by the way... Happy Birthday Canada!

Ho ma? OK la...

Watching Seinfeld in my hotel room right now.

Work's been fine so far... actually getting things done. People are nice and easy to work with.

Had a little problem with my luggage... couldn't find it on the carousel... so I was without clothes for the first day... thank God it arrived on Monday. No way was I gonna wear shorts to work two days in a row.

Weather's been fantastic... it's gonna start warming up over the week... I can't wait.

Oklahoman Quirk #1: "Iced tea" is taken literally here. The first time I ordered "iced tea", I almost spat out my first sip of "tea with ice". I was then told that real iced tea was called "sweet tea" down here. So tonight at dinner @ El Chico, I specifically asked for the sweet kind of "iced tea". So it came, and turns out it was "tea with ice and sugar", sorta like Vitasoy lemon tea. Still ick. Needless to say, I grabbed a bottle of Brisk when I went to Wal-Mart.

Oklahoman Quirk #2: Smirnoff Ice here @ Wal-Mart contains only 3.2% alcohol.

Both Monday and Tuesday are holidays. I'm not sure yet whether I can take both days off like Americans do.

Tonight I wanna cry...

Tonight I Wanna Cry
Keith Urban

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

* I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry *

Would it help if I turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

Repeat * x2

旧歌2

還是覺得你最好　張學友

作曲: 米米club
作詞: 劉卓輝
編曲: 趙增熹

△即使妳離開　我熱情未改
這漫長夜裡　誰人是妳所愛
花不似盛開　愛漸如大海
假使妳懷念我　為何獨處感慨△

但我不懂說將來　但我靜待妳歸來
在這深灰的冷冬　共你熱烈再相逢
全是我的美夢

▲但我不懂說將來　但我靜靜待妳歸來
在這春風秋雨中　共妳願望已不同
還是有點故夢　想傾吐

一切事情驟似一絲苦惱　回看妳我的路
是情是愛是緣是痛　今日我卻竟都不知道
我依然　而我竟然　還是覺得妳最好▲

Repeat △

即使妳離開 我熱情未改
這漫長夜裡 誰人是妳所愛

World Cup (June 22)

As I thought, only one of Italy and Czech Republic would go through to the Last 16. Unfortunately, the Czechs, despite playing some delightful football against the USA in their first group game, are now out of the tournament. If they'd held their own against Ghana, they'd probably progress at least on goal differentials. As it is now, the golden generation that won the '96 Euro (the likes of Pavel Nedved, Karel Poborsky, and so on) have let their last chance at a World Cup slip away.

Ghana will be the sole African representative in the Last 16, as Ivory Coast, sadly, will not join them. If only they were drawn in a less competitive group - say, groups D, G, or H - they could very well still be playing in Germany this weekend.

Argentina has played the best football by a mile so far. Germany will be glad that they've kept two cleansheets since conceding two against Costa Rica on botched offside traps. Brazil and England have both struggled against international minnows like Australia and Trinidad & Tobago. But of all the so-called powerhouses, France has been the most disappointing. Managing only 1 goal in 180 minutes against Switzerland and South Korea, they must now beat Togo by two goals in order to progress on goal differentials. Compounding their problems is the fact that Zinedine Zidane is suspended on two yellow cards. Having to sit out your final group game and watch while Les Bleus struggle to net two against Togo of all people and crashing out of another World Cup? What a way to end your footballing career, eh, Zizou?

USA took a step back this year, despite their young stars from four years ago having supposedly matured. One point from three games from a team that's ranked 5th in the world and went to the quarters last time around is madly disappointing.

Michael Owen is out for at least 5 months with a cruciate ligament injury. That leaves England critically short of attacking options. They'll likely be stuck with Crouch and Rooney up front, Crouch leading the line and Rooney roaming in the space behind. What Eriksson said, though, about how England has numerous second-striker options (Joe Cole, Gerrard, Lennon, etc.), is pure bollocks. No way would any of them play in place of a fit Rooney. No way would Rooney be as effective leading the line so one of those options can be used in the hole. Rooney is there to stay as second-striker unless he gets hurt again. Should England ever go with a lone man up front, whether it be Crouch or Rooney or, heaven forbid, Walcott, they're better off deploying Carrick or Hargreaves in front of the back four to allow both Gerrard and Lampard to push forward, instead of sticking Joe Cole in front of those two and actually hampering their forward runs.

On the right, while many would prefer Lennon running at fullbacks the way the Coles do on the left, let's face it: Beckham will never be replaced by Eriksson. Don't you wish you could bring on deadball specialists whenever, the way they send on kickers in American football?

Random Thoughts on Pain

Pain is good.

Pain is a blessing.

Pain is inevitable.

Pain makes one feel alive.

Pain should be welcomed and even celebrated, not avoided.

Pain is part of growing up.

Pain acts as a motivator.

Pain acts as a deterrent.

Pain makes one stronger.

Emotional Pain is as real and powerful as physical Pain.

Pain can induce different reactions, even laughter.

Pain can be induced by different actions, even laughter.

Pain cannot be separated from love.

Questions

Questions that beg for answers.

Questions that I don't want answered.

Questions that no long matter.

我为何苦笑? 因为我没有一个更好的反应. 面对着自己的愚昧, 我只有苦笑而已.

因为实在太可笑了.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

"... give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

"凡事謝恩; 因為這是神在基督耶穌裡向你們所定的旨意."

OK la? Ho ma?

Being sent down to Ponca City, Oklahoma for two weeks this Sunday.

A bit nervous, not sure what to expect.

Pulled something in my groin yesterday in soccer. The team was absolutely woeful, but I probably had my best game so far this year.

你做咩挑釁我 II: 過橋阿嬸

For the first time in my 10+ years in Canada, I felt the sting of racism.

Davis and I got off the train at Southland as usual (well, a little later than usual), and were walking across the bridge toward the office. Some lady was walking toward us, crossing the other way, so I quickened my pace, as I was on the right side of the walkway, and Davis fell in behind me so she could pass by. Then I slowed and let Davis catch up to my side again. Two seconds later, the unthinkable happened.

An irresistable force pushed the two of us aside, much like a football player penetrating the line of scrimmage. We both thought it was the blind man (sorry, visually-impaired man) with his dog, but when we looked, it was neither him nor his dog. It wasn't even a man. It was a middle-aged white woman in a dark blue rain jacket. Before we could speak, she stormed past us, turned her head, and barked menacingly, "Don't be walking abreast like that!"

Bewildered and disturbed, I chuckled and said, "You could've said 'Excuse me', you know?? Learn some manners!"

Then came the telling blow. She spun her head toward us and barked again, "This isn't Hong Kong, you know?!"

I started to boil. I caught up to her and gave her a piece of my mind while she kept yelling in my face. She's so obviously menopausing that I started to laugh. The yelling continued until she went the other way to cross the intersection.

Gosh I had never met someone so incredibly unreasonable in my life. She claimed she did say "Excuse me", but when Davis caught up with me, he said he didn't hear a thing either. That's besides the point, anyway. If you said "Excuse me" and the people in front of you didn't hear, do you just push them out of the way? Especially on a bridge with cars driving past on one side and a rolling slope down the other?

Crazy ol' witch. Crazy ol' menopausing racist witch.

旧歌

每當你流淚

作詞：徐婕兒/宋新妮
作曲：陳偉　
編曲/製作：陳偉

當你鬆開我的手　我已沒話說
空氣中飄盪著落寞
你安靜貼在我胸口
這一刻　還能多久
隱藏多少的痛不求你懂
讓我最後一次對你說

＊每當你流淚　回到我身邊
　輕撫你的雙眼讓你快快的入睡
　每當你流淚　靠近我一點
　讓熟悉的手溫暖你哭泣的臉

　每當你流淚　有我在身邊
　輕撫你的雙眼讓你快快的入睡
　每當你流淚　看著我的眼
　早就知道愛不屬於我一個人
　我沒有後悔　在愛過以後＊

當面對面只有沉默　還剩下什麼
能夠把你的心挽留　讓你得到你的自由
悲傷由我來承受　就讓一切結束不問理由
只想最後一次對你說

REPEAT＊

Slapped in the Face

Jaw hurts from soccer yesterday... from hitting the ground after getting slapped in the face I think...

Glenbow Museum's next exhibition is Egypt, Greece and Rome: Art of the Ancient Mediterranean World. Really hoping she'll come with me...

UC Convocation Map

Pharisees! Hypocrites!

Religious Beliefs Head to Court

Absurdity.

Some of the more extreme Hutterites in Alberta, citing the Second Commandment (NIV/KJV), are claiming a violation on their religious freedom because they're required to have their photos on driver's licenses.

Even more absurdly, the Court of Queen's Bench ruled in favor of the colonies. The province will appeal this decision at the Alberta Court of Appeal.

Basically, what this means is that, man can do whatever he wishes in the name of religion. Laws and authorities can be ignored in the spirit of religious freedom.

In other words, polygamy is okay as long as your religious beliefs allow (witness the Mormons). Incest is fine if your religion requires it. Ditto human sacrifices. Same goes for tax evasion - just claim your religion doesn't believe in paying taxes.

The Chinese have a saying: "Water can buoy as well as sink a ship." Religious freedom is indeed a double-edged sword. Two can play this game, you know.

"Pair Phrases", not "Paraphrases"

Reverend: "You can do - do nothing!"
Congregation: "You can make - make no sense!"

Bloody Boring Sunday

My word... Sundays are soooo boring...

Didn't even change out of my PJ's yesterday. Luis had to be with Sharon, and he had my soccer ball, so we couldn't go for a kickabout at the park.

So bloody boring.

I'm beginning to think that, perhaps, I was wrong in my last entry. Is a once-a-week relationship doable?

No Time Left For You... The Guess Who

Work - 9 hours
Commute - 2 hours
Sleep - 6 hours
Prep - 1 hour

Total - 18 hours
Free Time - 6 hours

I guess I really have no time left for a relationship.

People keep telling me that, if I really wanted one, I'd make time for it. I suppose that's true. But I don't know if I can make it work yet.

So... sorry... but a relationship's gonna hafta wait... at least for a little while.

Long Weekend Monday

Not much to do... maybe do groceries later... soccer practice tonight...

Speaking of soccer... played in the not-so-friendly against the Vancouver team yesterday... those guys are a bunch of cheaters... clutching and grabbing... then complaining when we touch them... I went into a 50/50 ball with this one kid, we clashed, and he swore at me. I stared him down, we had a few words, and the referee gave me a yellow card. What's the kid whining about? I actually backed out of the tackle. Legs weren't out, studs weren't up, nobody got hurt. The ball was loose, could've been anybody's. If I went in full force, at least one of us would need to be stretchered off. Probably me, but at least one of us nevertheless.

Anyway, work again tomorrow... but now I got a work buddy (so popular these days)... so we can carpool and hang out and stuff...

Pay Day

Got paid today... awesome!

Should be doing a budget...

World Cup starts June 9... need to build a TV schedule... thinking maybe we should have a Final party on July 9...

Played soccer at lunch with coworkers yesterday... finally feeling more comfortable on the pitch... unfortunately, grew massive blisters on the sole of my left foot... hopefully I'll be ready for Sunday's game...

Perks

Been working for two days now... up at 6am, home by 6pm... what kinda life is this?

Pleasant surprise tho... I have my own office! Even though it doesn't have a view... still, my own office!

It's been all orientation and training so far. The people seem fairly nice and outgoing. My "boss" is leaving after Friday though, going to Novatel GPS, and I haven't really met my new boss yet. It's a shame, too... my current "boss" seems like a nice guy.

Getting paid this weekend... can't wait!

Disappearing Act

Wow, it's been so long since my last post. Been sorta enjoying my time off, not doing much in particular.

Thank God for my impending graduation. I truly owe it all to Him. Anyone will tell you that I don't deserve the marks I get, considering how little I work and how much I procrastinate.

Starting work on Monday. A little apprehensive. Not about the work. About the work hours.

Hockey Sunday

Another entire week gone by without blogging.

A week of two halves, really. Super stressed out the first half with exams to write. Super giddy the second half once exams were over.

Seen her a couple times this week. Yes, that's why I was so giddy. I so enjoy being with her. I miss her. But I can't understand why she'd want to be around me. What does she think of me? Does she only see me as just another guy? I wish I knew.

But it wouldn't be right to beat around the bushes or test the waters. If I really wanted to find out whether the feelings are mutual, and whether she'd be interested in starting a relationship, I need to be a man and find out the right way.

Easter Sunday

There's something seriously wrong with an entire Easter weekend without a single Easter-related sermon.

Easter Saturday

There's something wrong with a Good Friday sermon and an Easter Saturday sermon that have nothing whatsoever to do with Christ dying for us on the cross and rising on the third day.

I Love Wednesdays...

But nervous... so nervous...

Gimme another couple of months... lemme decide what to do...

All nighter again... report still to be written...

All nighter again... yippee!

Gonna be up all night preparing my Parallel Computing Architecture course project presentation. Only 3am but already feel like I could crash.

A few things over the past week...

Got a formal offer from CoreData earlier this week, and a verbal offer from Telvent today. Not sure if it's ethical to discuss details here. Kind of torn between the two right now. Leaning toward Telvent at the moment. Need to pray for guidance.

Finishing up our 4th year project, did our presentation today. Think it went alright. Probably could've gotten more done if we started earlier. But whatever.

Massively pissed off with the 505 (parallel computing) project. SMPCache keeps crashing for no apparent reason, and takes 8 to 12 hours to finish one run on 2+GHz machines. Bloody thing.

Thinking maybe I'll keep applying to jobs just for the heck of it. Still some out there that look pretty cool. Some geotechnical/geomatics firms, some cell-phone technology companies, some web app developers.

Dad got hurt at work today. That's okay. He's too giddy over his new toy (Canon EOS 30D at $2200+) to notice the bleeding on his palm.

That's all I can think of right now... will post more if I come up with anything else.

Multiple Choice

Watched Rick Warren's intro seminar to the 40 Days of Purpose last night.

He suggested that questions like "What job should I take?" or "Whom shall I marry?" are multiple choice questions, where one answer might be as correct as another, because God isn't interested in what we do, but who we are.

Not sure what to make of it.

Meanwhile, the past month has been confusing as well. Drifting away from my original intentions.

I want to take this slow. And all I can pray for is that she is of a like mind.

Job Search Continues

Sending out a few more applications tonight, in hopes of making Victor's predictions come true.

Taking grad photos tomorrow. 20 days to go. After that? Absolute cluelessness.

Brain constipation. Things happening in my life, but nothing to write down. Not good. I ought to be documenting these things.

Photos Site

Spent all day on the project, second interview tomorrow, so need to be in bed soon.

Just wanted to point ya'll to my photos site, which is sort of operational again. Changes still need to be made to make it more user-friendly, but at least it's navigable.

Shame

Ashamed of myself.

Been struggling over this one issue for the past month. Keeping it really secret as much as I can right now.

I hate myself for it. For what I'm doing, or what I'm perceived to be doing.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to find out where I need to go, what I need to do.

So help me, God.

I'm still here...

Wow I've actually gone an entire week between blogging. That's not a good sign.

Been working through some problems. Lotsa prayers needed.

Just did some great work on the 4th year project. Feeling good right now. Thank God~

Got an interview on Thursday. Not sure what I can do to prepare for it. Just leave it in God's hands I guess. Will go for afternoon tea afterwards, then to Glenbow Museum for the modern architecture exhibition.

Colors

紅 橙 黃 綠 藍 靛 紫

红 橙 黄 绿 蓝 靛 紫

Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Indigo Purple

Rot Orange Gelb Grün Blau Indigo Violett

Rouge Orange Jaune Vert Bleu Indigo Violet

Rosso Arancione Giallo Verde Azzurro Indaco Viola

Rojo Naranja Amarillo Verde Azul Añil Morado

Attraction

Attraction is an unstable force that varies with time, distance, charge, and field strength...

Who can devise a (pseudo)formula to describe its non-deterministic behaviour? Can we apply a concept similar to the space-time fabric and its resulting gravitational force here?

Self-Punishment

Seems like everytime I do something that deep down I think is wrong, I beat myself up about it.

Is that what God wants? For me to find ways to punish myself for every little mistake I make?

Or is there a better way out?

Adidas F10

Got myself a pair of white/silver/blue Adidas F10 indoor soccer shoes on Friday at 40% off. Now I'm itching for some action. ^^"

Open Invitation

Event: Convocation
Date: June 5, 2006
Time: 2:00pm (ceremony)
Location: Jack Simpson Gym, U of C

Alternative Plan

Since my attempt to install Mac OS X Tiger on my laptop failed, I'll put the extra laptop hard disk to good use by installing Windows XP Home SP2 with all the latest goodies on it, like .NET 2.0, Visual Studio 2005 Express Editions, CorelDRAW x3, etc. etc.

Just... have to find time to do it after midterms.

封咪

I'd been warned time and again.

So, alright, fine. No more writing.

Engraving

A few choices for engraving my iron ring:

"coram Deo" ("in the presence of God")

"Via, Veritas, Vita" ("the Way, the Truth, the Life")

"initium sapientiae timor Domini" ("fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom")

"nisi Dominus frustra" ("if not the Lord, it is in vain" - Psalms 127)

"imago Deo" ("image of God")

"Gloria Patri" ("Glory to the Father")

Torn

Feels like I brought this upon myself.

We'll see what happens over the next few months.

Guide my way, Lord.

Afterthought

Was asked to serve as the lone tenor in the praise team for next month's devotional meeting.

Want to thank God that neither of the two previously major issues even entered my mind as I tried to come to a decision. That is, they've become non-issues with regards to serving God.

Even though the end results could still be disappointing, at least I think I'm in the right mindset to serve God.

Lead the way, God. I'm having a tough time containing myself.

Dig a Hole

So embarrassed at the restaurant last night.

Stupid waiter. Stupid, stupid waiter.

Actually, pretty darn smart for a stupid waiter.

Jealousy?

Ya know... it's true, I think...

As much as I find her attractive for how nice she is to anybody and everybody... I do see how jealousy could be a problem for me as well...

Much to be learned...

And perhaps I have plenty of time to learn... but I can never start too soon...

5W & 1H

邊個? 乜嘢? 幾時? 邊度? 點解? 點樣?

谁? 什么? 什么时候? 哪里? 为什么? 怎么?

Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?

Wer? Was? Wann? Wo? Warum? Wie?

Qui? Quel? Quand? Où? Pourquoi? Comment?

Chi? Che? Quando? Dove? Perchè? Come?

¿Quién? ¿Qué? ¿Cuándo? ¿Dónde? ¿Por qué? ¿Cómo?

More

The more time I spend around you, the more impressed I am by you.

Your actions this afternoon show that I'm indeed falling for a girl with character, virtues, and inner beauty.

I am reminded of Proverbs 31:10-31, which speaks of The Wife of Noble Character.

Lord, I could never do enough to win her heart. But I shall seek Your heart first in these matters.

What would melt my heart...

To watch you sleep...

To watch you yawn...

To listen to your rhythmic breathing while you dream...

To see you enjoy being around me...

To see you're actually interested in what I talk about...

To see my own reflection when I look into your eyes...

To watch you take care of children...

To see your face light up at the mention of... chocolate... or icecream...

To see how gorgeous you are, even when rushed out the door...

Trouble

Someone seems to be in trouble.

And it would be wrong for me to wish her ill.

I hope whatever it is will be resolved soon.

Trying really hard to fight off evil thoughts.

Over-rationalizing Emotions

Luis pointed out that I have this tendency to invalidate my emotions by over-rationalizing with my logical mind.

I'll tell you this: I was happy today. And I'm trying to not feed my happiness through my brain.

Mirror

How I reacted last night and today made me realize just how resentful and bitter I still am.

I just don't seem to be able to get over the hurt. And it shows. I know it shows. I know others notice. I know even people I want to hide this from most, notice.

Does it really just take time? What if I don't feel any different with time? What will happen in time to change how I feel? Am I a failure if it doesn't change even when I fall in love again? Or if it takes someone else for it to change?

"... [love] keeps no record of wrongs."

I can't do it, I can't. I don't love her, in any sense of the word. I suppose that in itself already makes me a failure.

Squirrelly Wisdom

Bloody cold outside today again. Parked the other side of the University station nevertheless. And as I came down the stairs toward the university, a black squirrel with something that initially looked like a nut of some sort caught my eyes as it raced toward, then up, a tree next to the sidewalk. My eyes followed it up the trees, and I slowed to a stop and watched it as it began chewing on what now seemed more like half an apple. And there I stood for a good five to ten minutes in the bloody cold as it munched on the frozen fruit. For a second it appeared to stare at me staring at it while it feasted. Then it leapt onto another branch and ignored me as it went about munching.

It got me thinking, how a squirrel managed to find food in the middle of winter. Surely God was watching over it. Surely God prepared the apple for this day. And I thought, if God watches over this squirrel, surely He watches over me. Yet the squirrel did not just kick back and wait for food to drop in its lap. It went to search for it. "Seek and ye shall find." Just as the Israelites had to go out and gather manna, which did drop out of the skies. Lesson? Nothing comes without effort. I still need to do my part on Earth.

That's it for now, way past my bedtime.

Edit (Feb 23, 2006 @ 00:25): Okay, my bad... manna didn't exactly drop out of the skies... quails did... but you get my drift...

Reminders

Isaiah 55:8-9 "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the LORD. 'As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.'"

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths."

Micah 6:8 "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Matthew 11:29 "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Problem Solved

Hey, I'm not the creative type. But I do know how to solve a problem when I see one. Logical, rational minds are capable of that. It's the illogical, irrational hearts that cause trouble.

So it's important to keep a sound mind and stay in control of my fluttering heart everytime I so much as think of her. Now is not the time.

Sign of Pride

Learned a lesson today.

I've only ever edited other people's resume's, never the other way around.

Well, imagine my embarrassment when I opened up one of four cover letters I sent out at the end of last month to use as template for other positions, and saw that it read January 30, 2005.

Lesson learned: Always, always, always have someone else proofread.

Meek

Meek = Patient, Humble, Gentle

Not Meek = Impatient, Proud, Crude

Conclusion: I'm not Meek.

Action: Need to learn Meek.

Frustrated and Confused

God I hate Valentine's Day...

Feel like I was manipulated...

Feel like I did some things I didn't know the reason for... that made no logical sense...

I trust my sis has a reasonable explanation for this...

Getting a Ring

Got my eyes set on a ring... getting it next month...

It's a big step... from boyhood to manhood... a milestone in my life...

Really excited about it... life will never be the same again...

"Oh my gosh!"...

... was my first thought when I heard this song on the radio.

You And Me
Lifehouse

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you...

... and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

Vocal Potentials

Saw Andrea Bocelli's performance at the Torino Olympics tonight. What an impressive tenor.

If only I could be half as good.

Honestly, I believe there's much potential to be discovered and released. But how to go about it, I don't know.

Timeframe

I think I've made up my mind to do something about it.

Question is "When?".

I'm thinking three years is a reasonable timeframe.

Should anything unexpected happen in the meantime, well, c'est la vie.

Could it be, that...

Somebody Loves Me
Music & Lyrics: George Gershwin, B.G. DeSylva, Ballard MacDonald

When this world began it was Heaven's plan
There should be a girl for ev'ry single man.
To my great regret someone has upset
Heaven's pretty program for we've never met.
I'm clutching at straws, just because I may meet her yet.

Somebody loves me, I wonder who,
I wonder who she can be.
Somebody loves me, I wish I knew,
Who can she be worries me.

For ev'ry girl who passes me I shout, "Hey, maybe
You were meant to be my loving baby. "
Somebody loves me, I wonder who,
Maybe it's you.

What would make me happy...

To see you everyday...

To talk to you everyday...

To know you better...

To see you smile...

To be the cause of your smile...

To be there for you when you're upset...

To do anything with you... whether it's seeing a play, a concert, or a Johnny Depp movie...

To do anything for you... whether it's editing cover letters or giving you a ride home...

To think of you...

To know you're thinking of me...

To look into your eyes and see that you feel the same way as I do...

To hear your sweet, angelic voice...

To discover even more of your amazing qualities...

To be able to tell you how special you are...

... the list goes on...

Tickets

February 11, 8:00pm: Marilyn Engle @ Rozsa Centre, too expensive... $18 for student...
February 19, 2:00pm: The Marriage of Figaro @ University Theatre, still have to get...
February 22, 8:00pm: Amadeus @ Jack Singer Concert Hall, check!

I'd really like her to come with me... ^^

I Need a Date

Today, 11:00am, CPSC411 class @ MFH160. Just as Dr. Cockett prepared to begin the lecture, a student behind me asked him a question.

Student: "Do you have a date for the midterm yet?"

At this point I nearly burst out laughing and consequently missed Dr. Cockett's answer, which is okay, since obviously the funny part isn't in his answer.

I turned to my friends next to me and said, "Whoa, we need a date for the midterm?? I mean, I know we need a date for prom... but midterms??"

Laughter all around.

反感

刚才经过 MacHall 的时候, 看见法轮功的画展, 昨天 Sharon 跟我说过的. 今天自己亲眼看了, 蛮搞笑的.

大部分都是画练法轮功的教徒怎么不屈怎么坚决怎么纯洁, 怎么面对共产党迫害而面不改容, 怎么脸有荣光怎么被穿肚兜的小天使保护. 画里的公安都穿全黑制服, 一脸灰白, 用各种各样的工具施与酷刑. 可见画家们大都想像力丰富, 或者都练功练 high 了, 患了妄想症.

可能有人看了上面两段, 会觉得我怎么如此歧视法轮功. 人家不是很惨么? 无缘无故的被政府迫害?

即使百种酷刑真有其事, 我也看不起这种扮可怜搏同情的下三滥手段. 法轮功是一个 melting pot, 一味的借用和曲解别的宗教的经卷. 比如一幅佛祖的画, 下面的解释是每个年代都有些下凡来帮助世人的代表, 比如佛祖, 比如耶稣. 如此一塌糊涂, 不知所谓, 妖言惑众的谬论, 只能骗中国大陆里无知的升斗小民. 稍有学识的人, 自然嗤之以鼻. 可悲的是, 大学竟然容许这种 propaganda 在校园里公然展出.

Acceptable?

Is it acceptable to do everything in my power to try to create opportunities to see her? To run into her?

Or is that just stalking?

Sooo Pissed Off...

So I worked my ass off last night on the 505 assignment and didn't get home till after 6:30 in the morning.

By the time 10a.m. rolled around I couldn't take it anymore... so I crawled into bed for a nap... without setting my alarms. Thank God though that Luis called at 1p.m. and woke me up. Took a shower, bathroom stuff, left the house around 1:47.

Raced down to campus trying to beat the 2p.m. deadline. Got to the dropbox around then but saw it was pretty much empty when I took a peek. So I panicked. Slide my assignment inside and went upstairs looking for the TA. Ran into her on the way back down and asked if she just picked up the assignments. She said no, because the prof gave a 2-day extension.

There was nothing I could do but laugh.

Almost...

Finally almost finished the ENCM505 assignment. Took an entire weekend. Well, actually might've taken just one day if I didn't have a life.

Man, I'm starving.

A few things I need to print out when I have time:

• Emotion Engine vector unit manual


• ENCM505 powerpoint slides


• Haskell tutorial


• Parsec tutorial


• ENCM519.34 course textbook


• Sneaking suspicion that I forgot something...

All I Think About...

Oh dear God I'm so infatuated...

Help me... please...

Such a Happy Day...

... that began with a call in the morning...

... and ended with me slaving away in the lab...

... yet I was so happy that, strangely, this assignment didn't seem as tough as it used to.

I might even seem a little foolish right now...

... but dear God, if You'd allow, let me get through to her...

... whether tomorrow or in five years...

... because it's not the wait that bothers me, but the uncertainty...

Unprecedented

I don't remember ever feeling this way about a girl before. Never so impressed by one.

She's friendly, considerate, hardworking, outgoing, loves children, takes serving God seriously, and most impressive of all, she's all of the above despite how pretty and cute she is.

Simply put, she amazes me.

狮子

启示录 5:5 "長老中有一位對我說: '不要哭. 看哪, 猶大支派中的獅子, 大衛的根, 他已得勝, 能以展開那書卷, 揭開那七印.'"

荀子曰

人之性恶, 其善者伪也. - 《荀子.性恶》

Wanted: Miracle

Someone complained (you know who you are) that my blog is getting boring.

Well, I'm sorry that I'm not going to Japan. That would be exciting (for some people).

Anyway, was talking to Pamela last night about yesterday's trip.

She wondered if I was the kinda person who always thinks people hate him even though nobody actually does.

I said no, I'm the kinda person who always thinks the girl he likes hates him, but doesn't care what the rest of the world thinks.

In addition, I have this extraordinary ability to see past my strong suits and pick at my weaknesses, then conclude that girls have no reasons to like me.

How do you reverse 22 years of self-pity and fear of failure?

Dreading June

Don't want June to come.

Cuz I'll be graduating. Change can be so scary.

Cuz I'll (hopefully) be working. Change can be so scary.

Cuz Jovina'll be leaving. Change can be so scary.

In whom will I confide after she's gone? I mean, yeah I can talk to Luis. But who can provide a girl's perspective? And most important of all, who can be my spy, my informant, my tap?

What Cabbage?!

Che cavolo?!

Why cabbage is she coming along now?!

Merda!

God's Sovereignty vs. Human's Responsibility

Went to the first "Everything I Know About God, I Learned at the Movies" session at SAIT today. We saw 25 minutes of Bruce Almighty. Brought out the idea of God's sovereignty, and someone mentioned that, if God was in control of everything, where does freewill come from? And what and how much are men responsible for?

I suppose it also applies to dating and marriage. (Sorry, that's all I think about these days.) While I believe God's in control in my life, to what extent do I need to be working for finding my other half? Specifically, at what stage do I take charge and ask a girl I'm interested in out on a date? I think that would be a good first question.

I Really Want You to Really Want Me...

I Really Want You
James Blunt

I really want you
I really want you

Many prophets preach on bended knee
Many clerics wasted wine
Do the bloody sheets and those troubled streets mean
I have wasted time?

Are there silver shores on paradise?
Can I come in from the cold?
I killed a man in a far away land
My enemy untold

* I really want you to really want me
But I really don’t know if you can do that (really want you)
I know you want to know what’s right
But I know it's so hard for you to do that (really want you)
Time's running out as often it does
And often dictates that you can't do that (really want you)
Fate can't break this feeling inside
That's burning up through my veins...

I really want you
I really want you
I really want you
Now...

+ No matter what I say or do
The message isn’t getting through
And you’re listening to the sound
Of my breaking heart + *

I really want you
I really want you

Is a poor man rich in solitude?
Or when mother earth complained
Did the beggar pray for a sunny day but
Lady luck for rain?

They say a million people bow and scream
To an effigy of gold
As so life begin
And the ship we're in
And history unfold

Repeat *, +

I really want you
I really want you
I really want you

Interview?

It was so difficult to stop the first time.

Now it's resumed, and it's consuming my entire being.

I can't get her out of my mind. It's not sweet; it's painful. It'd be sweet if we were together. But we're not. And it's painful.

Hyman said, if you don't try, you won't know the outcome.

My philosophy is, if I don't know the outcome, I won't try.

Who's right? Is asking a girl out really that much like a job interview?

I'd willingly subject myself to rejection by a company, a potential employer. But when it comes to girls... it's just not the same, is it?

I don't know... must one try in order to find out?

Doors

Perhaps God opening a door for me isn't good enough. Perhaps He needs to push me through it. Or at least put up direction signs.

Is this just a lack of faith?

Bonne Anniversaire

Today marks the first anniversary of this blog. Thank you, dear friend, for faithfully reading it. It keeps me writing.

Matthew 6

Do Not Worry
v.25: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
v.26: Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
v.27: Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
v.28: "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
v.29: Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
v.30: If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
v.31: So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'
v.32: For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.
v.33: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
v.34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

v.25: 所以我告訴你們, 不要為生命憂慮吃甚麼, 喝甚麼; 為身體憂慮穿甚麼. 生命不勝於飲食麼? 身體不勝於衣裳麼?
v.26: 你們看那天上的飛鳥, 也不種, 也不收, 也不積蓄在倉裡, 你們的天父尚且養活他. 你們不比飛鳥貴重得多麼?
v.27: 你們那一個能用思慮使壽數多加一刻呢?
v.28: 何必為衣裳憂慮呢? 你想野地裡的百合花怎麼長起來; 他也不勞苦, 也不紡線.
v.29: 然而我告訴你們, 就是所羅門極榮華的時候, 他所穿戴的, 還不如這花一朵呢!
v.30: 你們這小信的人哪! 野地裡的草今天還在, 明天就丟在爐裡, 神還給他這樣的妝飾, 何況你們呢!
v.31: 所以, 不要憂慮說: 吃甚麼? 喝甚麼? 穿甚麼?
v.32: 這都是外邦人所求的, 你們需用的這一切東西, 你們的天父是知道的.
v.33: 你們要先求他的國和他的義, 這些東西都要加給你們了.
v.34: 所以, 不要為明天憂慮, 因為明天自有明天的憂慮; 一天的難處一天當就夠了.

Especially comforted by verse 27.

James Blunt Tour

Keep an eye out for James Blunt's Winter North American Tour. If we're lucky, he might come to Calgary. :-D

Colors

Absolutely in love with Amos Lee's Colors right now, which I first heard in an episode of House. Beautiful falsetto, heart-melting guitar melody, short and sweet (less than 3 minutes). Just can't get enough of it and can't get tired of it.

Colors
Amos Lee
Music & Lyrics: Amos Lee
From: "Amos Lee", Track #7

Yesterday I got lost in the circus
Felling like such a mess
Now I’m down I’m just hanging on the corner
I can’t help but reminisce
When you’re gone all the colors fade
When you’re gone no New Year’s Day parade
You’re gone
Colors seem to fade

Your mama called she said that you’re down stairs crying
Feeling like such a mess
Yeah I hear you you’re in the background bawling
What happened to your sweet summertime dress

I know we all, we all got our faults
We get locked in our vaults and we stay
But when you’re gone all the colors fade
When you’re gone no New Year’s Day parade
You’re gone
Colors seem to fade
Colors seem to fade
Yeah

Lost in Translation

Girl Impressed does not necessarily translate into Girl In Love.

It's a shame, really.

Cryptic

Just realized that "Apple" is the perfect codename.

Just 9 letter shifts and 1 reversal apart.

See if you can crack it. ;-)

Haha, yeah, I know I'm being cryptic. Actually, I enjoy being cryptic. I think it makes me feel superior over the lot of you.

Shivers

Just seeing the Piazza San Marco in Venice as the backdrop on Jay Chou's website sent shivers down my spine... so familiar, yet so much like a distant dream...

Feels as though I lost something... something special... something beautiful... something romantic...

I really, really want to go back... just seeing it again takes my breath away...

Mutuality

Is it possible for a girl to not just be touched by the way I feel about her, but for her to feel the same way about me? To be as completely enamored with me as I am with her? To be as captivated, as fascinated, as spellbound by me as I am by her?

Se sì, il mio amore, ora vieni a me. Ti cerco.

In preda al panico

Starting to freak out cuz we're sooo far behind on our 4th year project.

Tu dove sei?

Alla Luce Dal Sole
Josh Groban
Music: Maurizio Fabrizio
Lyrics: Guido Morra
"Josh Groban", Track #1

Qui c'è il buio fuori di me
Ed anche un pò dentro di me
Che assurdità questa città senza persone

Io non so spiegare neanche come
Ma non è questa la mia dimensione
E la mia mente non è mai in pace
E sempre altrove
Tu dove sei? La tua voce dov'è?
Senza di te, senza il tuo aiuto
Che sarà di me?

Tutto sembrerà migliore
Alla luce che verrà dal sole
Questa notte passerà
Il buio che c'è si dissolverà
Si vedranno le colline
Io continuerò a cercare te

Via da questa malinconia
Invidia o rabbia che sia
Qui nel mio cuore
Non voglio più queste parole
Tu dove sei? Il tuo sorriso dov'è?
Senza di te, senza il tuo amore
Che sarà di me?

Tutto sembrerà migliore
Alla luce che verrà dal sole
Questa notte passerà
Il buio che c'è si dissolverà
E alla luce di quel sole
Io continuerò a cercare te

Tutto sembrerà migliore
Alla luce, al sole
Il silenzio morirà
La gente che c'è si confonderà
E alla luce di quel sole
Io continuerò a cercare te

Election Rant

Was listening to The Current on CBC Radio this morning. The hot election topic remains same-sex marriage and Tories leader Stephen Harper's promise to put it through Parliament votes again.

Those in favour of same-sex marriage argue that the old definition of marriage (that of the union between one man and one woman) was unconstitutional. Therefore, it needs to be scrapped for a new definition.

First of all, let me refer again to the point I made, incidentally, exactly six months ago. I said that the original definition of marriage was not discriminating to gays and lesbians because they were as free as the rest of us to marry straight, and as forbidden as the rest of us to marry gay.

Second of all, and I've already stated this point, as an insitution that predates government laws, legislations, and consitutions, holy matrimony is outside these jurisdictions and therefore its definition cannot be changed through any of these avenues. No governmental bodies wield any power over the definition of marriage.

Third of all, if marriage is deemed unconstitutional despite having been in place long before governments, what's next? Family is unconsitutional? Religion is unconstitutional? Chickens are unconstitutional? Give me a break. How long before government is unconstitutional? Or the constitution is unconstitutional?

A liberal government ventures forward, seeking to break all taboos and fight for rights and freedoms, blatantly ignoring all responsibilities and consequences that result. They grant the right to carry arms, then watch idly by as gang violence runs wild in the streets of Toronto. They encourage sexual freedom and promiscuity, then watch idly by while countless families fall apart. They promote a woman's right to control her body, then watch idly by as a perfectly healthy individual is flushed down the drain. They protect children from abuse, animals from cruelty, and the environment from pollution, but allow the unborn to be ruthlessly murdered. That's what a government does for us? Kill innocents, tear families apart, and take the right to life away from defenseless lives?

In a week's time, I'll be voting Conservatives. How about you?

Logic

Came up with a theory the other day, which I thought I should share with you.

My observation is that, girls younger than I generally are in relationships already, and that, girls who are not currently in relationships generally are older than I.

Based on the observation, the theory is that in a few years' time, when the girls younger than I have reached the age of the girls older than I, they will no longer be in relationships.

Which leaves me with two options: a) Go for an older girl, or b) Wait a few years, while the younger girls work through their breaking-ups.

Cynical, is it not?

Troubled

Hypothetical situation:

Suppose I started having feelings for someone, a Christian girl, currently not involved in a relationship, a good two years older than I, but we don't see each other since we don't go to the same church, and we only talk very occasionally online. What shall I do?

Of course, "hypothetical situation" works about as well as "My friend has this problem"...

Still too bloody warm for January weather in Calgary. Still napping too bloody much. Was supposed to go skating at 7 tonight; went to nap at 6:50 and didn't get up till midnight.

Ahh bloody hell... I'm going back to bed.

#301

Unbeevable. Just passed 300 entries. I must say, though, that the past century has been rather too much ado about nothing. Needa start writing with more substance. Starting with #302.

Random Thoughts in the Morning

Man... my sleeping hours have been so messed up that I've lost all willpower to blog. Or perhaps my past week has been so filled with naps that I don't have anything interesting to blog about anymore.

Well, there was a disturbing conversation that I had the other day with a stranger. But that's staying off these pages.

Federal elections are coming up. This will be my first time at the polls. Some reports say Harper's Conservatives are leading at the moment, but I don't think it's realistic to expect a Tories majority government.

Pins Fever

Crap crap crap crap crap the Herald's coming out with Team Canada 2006 pin collection... crap crap crap must resist the urge to get that set too...

Ungodly

Coming to class at this ungodly hour just might be the end of me this term.

Napped 5pm to 11pm last night, so couldn't sleep again... tried to will myself to sleep around 5am but only lasted 20 minutes... got up, showered, then stuffed coffee, icecream, and cheesecake down my esophagus... that probably explains the queasy feeling I've got from my throat down...

Sore Thumb

My my my... first day of classes, 7 minutes into this course, and I already figured out this prof's favourite word.

"Basically".

Gosh, we're halfway through this lecture now, and she must've used it like a hundred times.

It was so bad that the moment I figured it out, I nearly burst out laughing at the back of the room. That would've been embarrassing.

Uproar

Just caught the third period and OT of the Flames-Canucks game tonight. Two words: F-ckin' refs!!!

In a game won and lost entirely on the PP, the refs gave the Canucks three straight powerplays in the final ten minutes of the third and into overtime, and the Canucks duly scored on all three. Let's recap: McCarty hooking minor, 10:31 third - Carter goal, 12:29; Huselius holding the stick, 18:04, Robyn Regehr tripping, 18:42 - Salo goal, 19:30; Leopold tripping, 0:56 OT - Morrison goal, 2:53.

Four soft/phantom calls, three powerplays, three goals. Game over.

Are you telling me all the Canucks hits were clean over that span? I distinctly recall Jerko Ruutu leaping off his feet to get a Flames D-man on the boards. Where the hell was the charging call?

Bloody hell...

Frustration

Okay, seriously getting very, very pissed off with my laptop. The fact that it cannot handle full load for any extended period of time renders it pretty much useless for games. And if I'm not using it for games, this thing is too heavy to be lugging around for "work".

Seriously considering selling it and getting a 14-incher.

Tears

I know I'll probably get smacked for this... but I'll tell it anyway.

Nearly cried when mother walked into my room and asked about my grades.

Just being reminded of my GPA literally brought tears to my eyes. Had to fight them back.

Paradox

I get yelled at if I sleep.

I get yelled at if I don't sleep.

Go feckin' figure that out.

Plummet

Sigh... GPA went down again this term...

I suppose I can't complain, considering the minimal amount of efforts I put in...

3.36... the worst since year 2...

Oh well... at least no C's... though I did get two B-'s...

Last one...

Your Birthdate: December 1

You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven't been developed yet. You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily. Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail. You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details. Your strength: Your supreme genius Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity Your power color: Gold Your power symbol: Star Your power month: January

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Could this be right...?

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

I can't believe I tried this...

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Honestly, I was impressed...

You Are 22 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

The Linguist Again

新年快樂

新年快乐

Happy New Year

Glückliches Neues Jahr

Nouvelle Année Heureuse

Nuovo Anno Felice

Feliz Año Nuevo