Victory

Waged a battle over the past several days against some spyware progs my laptop picked up while surfing for keys. Came to a head last night and finally, at long last, the dreaded dll's fingers on the ledge finally let go, and they were wiped off the edge into oblivion.

Ran at least five different anti-malware utilities, including ewido, Microsoft AntiSpyware, CCleaner, Ad-Aware, Spy-Bot, and XoftSpy. Finally stumbled upon the win32delfkil package, which, when combined with ProcessExplorer for killing the winlogon.exe process (the Beyond Logic utility entered an infinite loop while trying to kill it), did the trick in isolating the rogue dll's (adsldpbf.dll, browsela.dll) and ending their miserable existence. Thank God for forums.

Gonna have to take much greater care next time I need to find a key.

Boxing Day Tragedy in Toronto

The Globe and Mail: Slain teenager veered blithely into crossfire
canada.com: 'Bright light tragically scattered'

Please read the above story if you haven't heard. Tragic. What can we do about gang violence in Canada?

The story caught my eye thanks to a 8x6 blowup of the teenager's face, and the fact that she loved Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt.

Anticlimax

Went onto Infonet to check my marks for this past semester. Heart was racing and I was ready to completely flip out on an F. Then when the page finally loaded after I logged in, I scrolled down and saw that not a single mark had been posted yet. What could I do? I laughed. A little nervously, but I laughed all the same.

Amused

You know, it really is true that there are so many girls out there. I really needn't worry. Sooner or later I'll run into one who's pretty and unattached.

Luck

It intrigues me how people would rather count on luck to get them through the obstacles in life than to place their hopes in the One who loves them and who has the cosmos in the palm of His hand.

Some ask others to "wish them luck" in the face of challenges, like final exams or project proposals or business meetings with potential clients or major surgeries or live performances. But what is luck? And where does it come from? Who does it belong to? Whose is it to give? And on what conditions are they given? How do you know when you have it? What can you do to earn it? Who can you ask for it? How do you know it is working for you and not against?

I don't need luck. And I've always tried to avoid using the phrase "good luck" for my friends and my brothers and sisters. Especially my brothers and sisters. You see, it's more important for me (and for us all) to have God's love than to have luck, more desirable to have God on your side than Lady Luck on your side.

Love is God (because God is love). Love comes from God. Love belongs to God. Love is God's to give. Love is given unconditionally. You have love when you have God. You don't need to do anything to earn love. You can ask God for love. And God's love is always for you, never against.

Those, my friend, are the reasons why I'd choose God and His love over some vague concept as luck, which I see as grasping at straws and at wisps of smoke. Because those questions can be answered for God's love.

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love." - Jesus, John 15:9

失望

Rarely does a day go by without me being disappointed in myself for one thing or another.

It's tough, living like this... I always feel I can and should do better... but I never do.

I know the Lord has accepted me the way I am... but somehow that doesn't help my self-esteem.

My Sleep-Deprived Nap Dream

See if you can guess to which tune the following chorus is written:

Even the naps are better
After I pull all-nighters
Even the naps are better
When I lack sleep

Even the dreams are stranger
When someone so hot's the main star
Even the naps are better
When I lack sleep

Haha, I'm totally on a roll...

Anyway, had an amazing dream when I finally got to nap for a bit after staying up for 23 hours straight working on the Digital Video Processing project (not even close to my record...). I saw in my dream the hottest girl I knew back when I was in high school. And she was single. And we talked. Okay you don't see how exciting that is. See, I never talk to hot girls in real life. Like, never. Well, you knew that. Although, I did read something about how hot girls are the easiest to pick up, cuz all these guys (like moi) don't have the guts to chat them up. Hmmm...

Anyway, just had to get that down on paper. Figuratively speaking.

Post-Exam Alex

Here's something else you should know about me...

While most people either go hyper-giddy or get post-final depression, I become a smartalecky know-it-all, capable of turning any and all normal conversations into discussions involving mathematics/physics/computing/any other subject I've spent a decent amount of time studying.

I think I'm especially annoying post-exam.

God's Perfect Test

So the marks came out on the Computer Architectures final... you know, the one where God poured answers into my head.

No surprise, God aced it.

Thank God that I could at least rest easy on one course mark.

Stress

December 8: CPSC471 Assignment 3
December 9: 4th Year Project Progress Report, ENCM525 Project, ENCM503 Final
December 14-16: One final per day
December 20: ENCM503 Project

Oh God thank you for helping me through all that. I could not have done it without You.

Project Hell

To the tune of Jingle, Bells...

Dashin' thro' the code
On a cup of chocolate
O'er the notes we go
Part marks all the way! (Hohoho!)
Cells on chargers ring
Driving me insane
What fun it is to write and sing a song to ease my pain, hey!

* Project hell, project hell
Part marks all the way
Oh what fun it is to drive when you're only half-awake, hey!
Project hell, project hell
Part marks all the way
Oh what fun it is to drive when you're only half-awake *

Now my face is white
Think I did this wrong
Can't go out tonight
Stay up all night long
I'll die another day
Right now I've got to read
I wish it could get done today 'cause SH*T I need my sleep

Repeat *

Lyrics Copyright 2005 Alex Cheung

Obviously delirious... but I still hope you enjoyed it as much as I did... ;-)

Person

I know all kinds of people.

I know some people wouldn't mind being around me all day, because they find me a truly lovely person.

I also know some people don't really want to be around me all that much, if at all avoidable, because they find me rather annoying.

And then there are those who find me downright revolting...

What kind of person do you think I am?

People

I know all kinds of people.

I know some truly lovely people, whom I wouldn't mind being around all day.

I also know some rather annoying people, whom I don't really want to be around all that much, if at all avoidable.

And then there are those who are downright revolting. You know, those who can make you completely lose your appetite, even with sushi sitting in front of you.

HMV

Argh, this has been bothering the heck outta me for the past two days.

Went to HMV on Wednesday looking for Christmas CDs. When I walked in, they were playing this really slow, mellow, guitar vocal song by a male artist that I thought was really good. So I tried to commit some of the lyrics to my memory, intent on looking it up later on the net. Well, surprise surprise! By the time I got home the lyrics had slipped my mind.

So now I'm screwed. I went back to HMV hoping that they could give me a hand in figuring out what songs they might've played that time that day, but they weren't much help. Guy said they normally just pull a bunch of CDs off the bestsellers shelves and pop them in, but he couldn't give me much more than that. I scanned through the shelves and found most of them were rock, whereas the song I'd heard was much softer, might even be country or folk. I thought about Keith Urban, but I haven't found anything by him that sounds like what I heard.

So annoyed. Anybody got ideas about how to find a song by the vague descriptions above?

Jamie Cullum in die Schweiz

Never thought I'd wanna go back to Switzerland so badly, until I saw this...

Jamie Cullum's gonna be in Zürich and Genève next month... *sob sob*

Oh my word you know what else I just found out??

James Blunt is going to be in Zürich one day before Jamie. Double frick! *sob sob*

Resonance

Somehow, my heart really resonates with this song. So many things that have faded with time that come alive in my mind again with the slightest of reminders. Indeed, these two lines capture it best:

It's just another story caught up in another photograph I found
And it seems like another person lived that life a great many years ago from now.

Photograph
Jamie Cullum
Music & Lyrics by: Jamie Cullum
From: Catching Tales, Track #3

Her name was written on a photograph
Right next to her red sunburnt face
It all had happened in that long tall grass
About a mile from her old place
I can't remember how it started and if it lasted that day in the sun

We said that we were going to study hard
We held our books instead of hands
She held a blanket over cans of beer
I can't deny I was so full of fear

It's just another story caught up in another photograph I found
And it seems like another person lived that life a great many years ago from now.

When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life
I see so much magic though I missed it at the time
when I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life
I see so much magic though I missed it at the time

And there's the first time that I tried that stuff
I think I look a little green
I remember throwing up behind a bush
And I found it hard to use my feet
And who's that easily led little boy who's really off his head?

It was the same night that I kissed that girl
The tall one with the auburn hair
I remember laughing 'cause to kiss me
She had to sit down on a chair
And she tasted like the schnapps she'd drunk
And the cigarettes she'd stolen from her mum

And it's just another story caught up in another photograph I found

When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life
I see so much magic though I missed it at the time
When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life
I see so much magic though I missed it at the time

Thankful

Oh God, oh man, oh my God... I can't begin to describe how thankful I am to God for helping me through that Computer Architectures exam... seriously, he literally taught me two of the four biggie questions right there on the spot... I could never have dreamed of finding the solutions on my own, without His inspiration...

Yesterday's Neuro-Fuzzy final was brutal... there was really no hope for that... I did the best I could... it's all in God's hands now...

One more to go... might be up all night again tonight... a man's gotta do what he's gotta do...

Ich bin nicht interessant...

That's all there is to it. I'm not a very interesting person. My studies aren't interesting. My hobbies aren't interesting. Pretty soon I'll be working an uninteresting job.

What kinda girls would want a boring guy?

Mess

Oh man, what a mess. Can you believe I actually had my exam times all mixed up? I thought I had an 8am on Wednesday, a 12 noon on Thursday, and another 8am on Friday. Turns out it's actually 12 noon on Wednesday and Friday, and 8am on Thursday. And I had the subjects mixed up for Thursday and Friday.

Holy crap imagine if I hadn't found out... I would've studied for the wrong subject and showed up at the wrong time...

Totally not ready for this...

The Enigma that is Me

The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines enigma as:

Main Entry: enig·ma
Pronunciation: i-'nig-m&, e-
Function: noun
Etymology: Latin aenigma, from Greek ainigmat-, ainigma, from ainissesthai to speak in riddles, from ainos fable
1 : an obscure speech or writing
2 : something hard to understand or explain
3 : an inscrutable or mysterious person

Luis expressed once again tonight his frustration at how I view myself. At times arrogant, occasionally insecure, and often despondent. He insists there's no reason to belittle myself.

I suppose that, since I know there's a perfect gift prepared for me some years down the road, I ought to be happily looking forward to receiving it. Instead I'm trapped in this endless cycle of guessworks and disappointments.

Reminders

You know, God keeps sending me reminders.

And yet, I keep falling, taking steps back. *Frowns*

Not that I go on and do anything bad... but...

Let me draw an analogy... a father has the perfect present in mind for his son's brithday, coming up some time in the future (not so near that he's in a rush to buy it, not so distant that he hasn't planned to buy it)...

And knowing his father has this perfect gift in mind, everytime the son goes to the mall, he looks at store displays, sees things that catch his eyes, and wonders if that's what his father prepared for him.

And everytime father and son goes window-shopping together, the son would drag his father to this store or that store, hinting at whatever he thought was cool or would make a great gift. "Perhaps", he thought to himself, "I could guess what dad has planned for me, and he'll be proud of how smart his son is. Or perhaps he'll change his mind and give me one of these really cool gifts. Or perhaps..."

But, again and again, his father smiles and shakes his head when he asks, "Is this what you're getting me?" or "Can you just get me this for my birthday?" The son becomes discouraged and frustrated, and even starts doubting this "perfect present" his dad supposedly has in mind.

"What's wrong with this? I'll be happy with this! Why can't you just give me this? I'm not asking for very much here!" The son begins to rail and rant. But his father smiles and remains silent.

"Fine then, how about this? Why don't you give me a hint? Or just show me a glimpse of it? I promise I won't get all preoccupied with it!" The son proceeds to beg, desperate for his father to shed some light on the big secret. All this suspense is beginning to get to him; he just has to know. What harm can it do, anyway? Yet his father persists in staying mum.

"Forget it! I don't need your stinkin' present anyway!" In a huff, the son storms off and runs home, leaving his father standing there, at the mall, a melancholic smile on his face, shaking his head. How he wishes his son would have a little faith in him.

(Sorry, I don't know how the story ends... I hope in the future to write a fitting ending...)

Note: Originally posted Dec 11, 2005, @ 0417. This is an updated version.

Oh My God I'm Going Broke

More splurgings on deck...

Mushkin 512MB PC3200 DDR SDRAM: $44.95 (MemoryExpress)
Seagate 250GB Barracuda 7200RPM SATA HD: $119.95 (MemoryExpress)
LG/Pioneer/NEC 16x Dual-Layer DVD+/-RW: $45.95/$49.95 (MemoryExpress)
Sapphire Radeon 9600 Pro Advantage 256MB AGP: $89.95 (MemoryExpress)
Logitech Z-5300e 5.1 Speakers: $167.99 (BestBuy after PM on MemoryExpress)
19" LCD Monitor: approx. $400

Man... life savings going down the drain...

More Splurging

Back to Bedlam album by James Blunt: $13.47
Logitech Coredless Rumblepad 2: $17.11
Savings on Best Buy Northland's opening: $57.10

Making someone happy: Priceless

What's the Point?

I said I wouldn't think about it.

Why can't I do as I say?

God, if it's hopeless, if it's another deadend, please help me forget and distance myself from this. Please take away what I see as chances, and what You see as temptations.

(My God answers prayers!)

Hot

Think my laptop's hanging/blue screen problems might be related to overheating, as it seems to occur after a few minutes of intense CPU usage. Maybe clearing up the dust-covered fans will help, maybe not. Will look at it this weekend.

Microsoft's crash analysis tool says it might be faulty RAM. Could look into that too. But when was anything by Microsoft ever reliable? *Laughs*

Unfocused

Can't keep my mind on studying.

Not from a lack of sleep... did nap for five hours earlier after going 29 hours straight.

But I can't keep you out of my mind.

Man, this couldn't happen at a worse time.

Or maybe it can... we'll know by next week.

Shortcuts

Me asking to skip the Exams and just get to Christmas would be like Christ asking to skip the Cross and just get to Heaven.

It can be done, but it'd be detrimental to everyone at stake.

Alex the Linguist

聖誕快樂

圣诞快乐

Merry Christmas

Fröhliche Weihnachten

Joyeux Noël

Buon Natale

Feliz Navidad

So, I guess this is...

Goodbye My Lover
James Blunt
From the recording: Back to Bedlam, Track #4

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Gifted vs. Used

Is it better to be Gifted or to be Used by God?

Someone who is gifted, but who refuses to be used by God, eventually has his gifts taken away.

Someone who is used by God, even if he was not born with gifts, will be gifted as needed to do God's work.

Gifts

The notion that a person is gifted, or born with gifts, implies that there is a Giver of gifts.

Unfortunately, many gifted people never recognize the Giver, let alone thank him for the gifts.

So, the one who gives, who also has the power to take away, eventually takes away the gifts.

Matthew 25:29 "For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him."

So, he who uses what he was given to serve the Giver, will be given more. He who does not, will have it taken from him.

So, what have I been given?

And how can I use what I was given to serve the Giver and others?

SQL

Can somebody tell me how to write a SQL statement on a 12-table database that could take minutes to compute on a server run locally on a P4 2.66GHz machine with a single database connection? Cuz I sure as hell can't figure it out.

Russell Peters in New York

First of all, huge thanks to the girl who sent me this link. I don't think she reads my blog, but thanks anyway.

Please be warned, however, that this contains mature subject matter.

BSOD's

Stupid laptop's been blue screening the past week. Begging for a clean slate, I think.

Holiday Tasks

• Set up album site again.


• Visit campsite for retreat.


• Boxing Day shoppathon.


• 4th year project coding.


• Install new soundcard on my desktop.


• Possibly clean reinstalls of both laptop and desktop.


• Install MacOS X Tiger on laptop.

List may shrink or expand at a later date...

Rides

I've always enjoyed giving rides to friends and brothers and sisters.

I don't do it for their gratitudes. I don't do it to show off. I don't do it to earn brownie points.

I do it because it's one way to serve them. And it's something I know I can do.

And I genuinely enjoy it. I enjoy being able to talk with them on the way. Much the same way, perhaps, as a cab driver loves bantering with passengers.

I'm almost always surprised when people come to me asking for a ride with a look on their faces like they were fearing I might say no. I don't know where they get that impression of me from. I rarely ever say no, even if it's a little out of the way for me (and especially if it's a girl...). The only reason I'd say no is if I was short on time. Or maybe if I hated your guts. *Laughs*

In any case, I think I should probably drive a smaller car. Vans don't exactly help you save on gas.

And they aren't exactly chick-mobiles either. *Laughs again*

心凉

Had a dream last night.

Bordered on being a nightmare, but I must say I enjoyed it while it lasted.

Acted out against certain people like I never would in reality. And it felt good.

But perhaps it reflects a hidden, buried hatred that quietly burns deep within me.

Faith, Hope, in Love

Genesis 2
v.22: Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
v.23: The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man."
[Italics mine]

That's the verse I'm clinging to right now. That in due time, God will bring her to me.

I don't know who she is. She doesn't know who I am. But He knows.

Puzzlement

It may be futile to wonder.

But is it wrong?

Sure, I'm expecting to be surprised anyway.

So is it wrong to perhaps speculate a little?

Is it not natural to wonder who she might be?

Or is it dangerous?

The Two Sides of Me

I won't hesitate to run all over town just to help a friend.

I also won't hesitate to storm out of a room just to make a point.

Actually, half the time I probably won't know what point I'm actually making by storming out of a room, which can render the storming out utterly pointless.

I guess I just can't handle confrontations, where I have to calmly state my feelings. So I run.

Ahh I'm so pathetic.

I need a girl who can understand that sometimes I just want to be alone and cool off, rather than exploding and saying something that I'd regret later. I need a girl who can understand that I'll be fine once I get it out of my system, that I'd never let anything undermine our love.

Is that too much to ask?

Why?

Why do people do the things they do?

I don't know?

Why do some people seemingly deliberately go out of their ways to hurt you?

Why do I keep storming out of rooms?

I don't know?

Maybe you like being hurt?

Maybe rooms like being stormed out of?

I don't know?

People Don't Change

What did I just say?

I said, people don't change, dammit.

生日

生日愿望.

生日愿望?

生日有什么愿望?

没有什么, 将一切放在神手里.

賞賜的是耶和華, 收取的也是耶和華.

衪想什么时候把她带到我面前, 就由衪吧.

Intravenous Drip

Sometimes I feel like a Christian on an IV drip. Constantly needing care and quick-fix medicine, but never recovering and regenerating from inside.

Snail

Blasted internet, bloody 'ell. Running at about 35% speed. Bloody 'ell. What's wrong with Telus?!

Something I Heard on the Radio

You'll Think Of Me
Keith Urban
Music and Lyrics: Ty Lacy, Dennis Matkosky, Darrell Brown
From the recording: Golden Road, Track #5

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So...

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

Apple

Everytime I see her face, one word comes to mind.

Apple.

Nevermind, I said I wouldn't think about it.

远方来的祝福

:-D 谢了~ 承你贵言~

Apache Behind Firewall/NAT

Still having trouble with my Apache 2.0.52 installation on a laptop connected wirelessly to a firewall/NAT router. Perhaps someone will pass by here, read this, and help me out.

Port forwarding is done on port 80 on my SMC wireless barricade using both Virtual Server and Special Applications (triggers?). As far as I can tell, Apache does receive packets through the router (Norton Antivirus asked if I wanted to permit Apache when my friend outside my intranet tried to access my site). But the Apache access logs don't show anything,

At the moment I'm fairly certain that the problem lies with my Apache configuration. I've read numerous fixes on the web (port forwarding, NameVirtualHost, etc.) but none of them seem to work. I'll try a different web server program first to see if the problem is Apache, but any input from those in the know would be greatly appreciated.

Birthday Dinner

Went out to Tony Roma's last night with brothers and sisters to celebrate...

The food could've been a little better... two of the five racks of baby back ribs were sorta burnt.

Oh well, I was there for the friends, not the food.

The Feeling's Back

Yeah, it finally feels like school again.

Slaving over assignments and projects does that to ya.

Time for a quickie~ (nap, that is...)

That Nub on My Right Knee

It's unlikely that the cause of a physical scar will be forgotten, but here is the story about that nub on my right knee anyway.

It was grade 2 at Alliance Primary School. A bunch of us were running around playing tag in the small open area between classrooms during recess as usual. Only on this particular day, I happened to trip and fall. Mind you, this being staged in Hong Kong, there was no grass field for us to crash into harmlessly. No sirree, this was hardcore cement we're talking about. To add insult to injury (well, actually it was more like to add injury on top of injury), I contrived to land knee-first onto a lone piece of gravel perhaps the size of half a raisin (I can never say for certain, since the culprit was never apprehended), which proceeded to tear off an equal amount of skin and flesh from my knee. Blood, by design, gushed happily out of the fresh opening.

To give you an idea of how deep the wound was, let's just say I could see red veins running through white tissues and did not feel pain when merbromin (I think?) was applied.

My knee was subsequently put in a wrap for weeks. I couldn't even bend my knee for the first week or two. The flesh eventually grew back, but the patch of skin where the wound once was will always stand out.

You'd think I would've learned my lesson about running around in confined spaces. Unfortunately, that wasn't the last time I shed blood on school grounds.

My Earliest Childhood Memory

Been thinking about jotting down memories and recollections in anticipation of the day when my brain is so worn out that these memories fade into oblivion. So here goes.

The farthest back I can vividly remember was that one time I got punished back in kindergarten. Well, actually I don't remember the punishment itself, but I do remember what I was punished for. I had raised my coiled notebook at a classmate (a friend, even, I think, though of course back then I had little idea of what being a friend constituted), and chopped it down at his head, coil-first.

Needless to say, I got in trouble for that.

Do not, however, even think for a second that this incident made me any less reckless a child through primary school. There's more to come.

Pain

The pain still comes and goes.

Yesterday, it came.

Debugged Code Snippet

{
  int future_wife_quality = 0; // initialize to 0
  for (int i = 0; i < NUMBER_OF_FAILURES; i++)
  {
    int current_gf_or_crush_quality = rand();
      // who knows? therefore random
    fall_for (new Girl(current_gf_or_crush_quality));
    if (current_gf_or_crush_quality > future_wife_quality)
      future_wife_quality = current_gf_or_crush_quality
        + 1; // must be greater, so let's just add 1 right now
  }
  marry (new Wife(future_wife_quality));
}

Does this look better?

Code Snippet

{
  int future_wife_quality = 1; // initialize to 1

  for (int i = 0; i < NUMBER_OF_FAILURES; i++)
    future_wife_quality++;

  marry (new Wife(future_wife_quality));
}

Still to be debugged.

Warzone

That's my room.

All kinds of stuff scattered everywhere.... seriously impossible to find anything at the moment.

Ought to clean it up... don't know if my books are missing or misplaced...

挥霍

开始有点儿离谱了.

You're not helping...

It's kind of hard to not think about it when you don't stop talking about it.

So please, stop talking about it.

Preposterous

The notion that any girl would think about me night and day the same way I think about her night and day is preposterous.

At least as preposterous as the notion that I'll actually play ice hockey after all these years.

Ich verstehe nicht...

See, if the one I'm meant to marry is such a great gal...

... then wouldn't there be tons of guys going after her?

So what's to stop her from choosing someone else? Someone better?

By that logic, then, we arrive at the conclusion that I won't be marrying such a great gal...

... you see how my logical mind is killing me?

诗篇二十一

v.2: You have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips. 他心里所愿的, 你已经赐给他; 他嘴唇所求的, 你未尝不应允.

Seriously?

Perhaps I'm still lacking in faith.

Singing in the Shower

I know who holds the future
And I know He holds my hand
With God things don't just happen
Everything by Him is planned
So as I face tomorrow
With its problems large and small
I'll trust the God of miracles
Give to Him my all

酉己

我不酉己.

我不酉己?

哦, 我不酉己.

好.

郁闷

闷闷不乐, 郁郁寡欢的.

和神这个气, 看来是赌定的了.

赌什么气? 没什么... 是我在男女感情一事上, 已经太累了, 厌倦了.

不再去想了, 不再浪费心机时间了. 衪不肯给我的, 多想也是多余.

衪肯给我的话, 让衪给吧. 我不想再花时间去找寻.

一次又一次的失望, 令我不敢再奢想了.

释怀

是自己多疑了.

*干笑数声*

还好没有做什么傻事.

动摇

很久没有尝过人家说我唱歌不好听的滋味了.

不好受.

是不是信心有点儿动摇了?

闷闷不乐的.

Order

Is it possible for one person to listen to the same sequence of events in two different orders and arrive at different conclusions? Or will he be prejudiced toward the one he arrives at after the first time through?

I'm torn between telling a story in chronological order vs. in the order of my recollection. If there's going to be prejudice, then the order I choose could be a huge factor in inciting the correct reaction.

谬论

Pamela 提出了荒诞的理论.

总觉得有点儿牵强附会.

是我过份悲观?

拼图

"不要再想了."

"你知道这是什么来的吗?" "冷."

"不要对人说."

凑不拢的拼图.

还差一块? 还是有两幅拼图?

(其实手头上好像还有一块...)

("你喜欢什么颜色?")

(不过... 好像还是不对...)

尝试形容

皮球破风的声音. 门楣撞击的回响. 皮球反弹的弧线. 每一下都震人心弦.

比高潮更高潮的高潮. 令人屏息以至喘息的表演.

对不起, 我还在笑. 就是那种看见鬼斧神工的创造而发出的笑. 那种不能自制的笑.

还是那句: This is better than sex.

... (笔墨难以形容)

Please, please, please, please, watch this video.

Oh, man, this, this is just pure joy.

Every time I watch it, my heart jumps, and I can't help but be moved to the verge of tears, yet I'm grinning the entire time.

Seriously, oh man, this is better than sex. This is like, pornography of a different class.

Please watch this video.

(And no, this isn't pornography. You think I'm that dumb?)

线索

"你知道这是什么来的吗?"

"冷."

灵光一闪.

可是, 又没有十分把握.

忍耐

沉不住气的人, 做不了大事.

疑惑

又想太多了?

总爱钻牛角尖.

真相何时大白?

一天? 两天?

一年? 两年?

还是半个月?

锁眉

眉头深锁, 有不同的原因.

厌恶.

烦躁.

思考.

圆月

秋末皎洁的月色, 穿透重重云朵.

云边一颗孤星. 云聚, 云散. 云无常定. 孤星依旧.

糊涂

"不要对人说."

迷惘.

也许, 我还没足够资格当聪明人.

无声的叹息

无声的叹息, 还算不算是叹息?

赌气

不知道和神赌气的下场会如何. 但我真的好累了.

豁出去了.

简洁

"不要再想了."

心领神会.

所以, 我一向喜欢和聪明人打交道.

Staring Blankly into Space

Coincidence? Or Providence?

漂白

屈指一算, 离开香港已有十一个年头. 算是个老华侨了?

这阵子常常和朋友谈论回香港的问题. 老实说, 对香港是压根儿一点好感都没有. 总觉得在香港没有前途, 没有出路, 没有希望.

三不愿: 不愿在香港找女朋友; 不愿在香港打工; 不愿在香港建立家庭.

所以发觉自己好像漂白了, 安于卡加利舒适悠闲的生活, 甚至开始讨厌热闹.

不过, 可慰的是, 有朋友的朋友看了这 blog, 说想不到我中文那么好(不是自我吹嘘, 我 quote 我朋友 quote 她的). 大概因为我是老华侨的关系, 所以觉得诧异吧~ 我朋友对我懂得国语拼音也表示希奇, 但我自己都已经忘记了是从何时开始用拼音打中文的了...

Better or Worse?

A nagging concern: Am I a better singer now than before I left? Or worse?

Separation

Just reached the 200-entries milestone, so in celebration I've chosen a new, brighter look for my blog.

Gotta love the separation of content and presentation. A few clicks of the button and voila! A brand new outfit for the same utterances you've learned to love (or hate).

As most of you might've guessed, I originally went with the black dots theme because it was the darkest one available, which went well with my stage of life back when I started writing here.

Hopefully this new look and feel will come as a breath of fresh air (not to mention relief).

释放

被释放了.

这几天是色迷心窍了, 疯了, 妄想了.

现在咒语被解除了, 自由了.

或许我将来的老婆没有她那么美. 或许我将来的老婆比她更美.

总之, 我爱的是我将来的老婆, 不是她.

谈高中, 叹高中

刚刚和 Pamela 谈天 (其实还在谈), 她给我看了一篇她写高中的回忆. 然后她提议我写一章瑞士回忆录. (算了吧, 我连意大利那十天都还没有写下来.)

不过, 高中真的很好玩. 记得上化学课时和 Alex Chen 调换座位来混肴老师. 上数学课时喝了杯咖啡就要睡, 最后还总分只得 99%. 午饭后到球场, 风雪不改, 还弄断了韧带. 还有一次和家硕坐在 locker 前对唱左右为难, 想起都觉得自己那时可笑.

哦哦, 还有两次送礼物给女生的, 两次都惨淡收场. 怪不得现在的我如此怯懦.

Risks

Those who know me, know that I've never been a risk-taker. (Unless you call not studying for exams and winging it "risk-taking").

But today I did something completely out of character.

I figure, hey, what have I got to lose?

Watch this space. If I get bit in the ass, you'll be the first to know.

Ready?

Think I might be ready to return.

Think I'm ready to let go of both issues.

退一步海阔天空

该是时候放手了吧.

There's Life In United Yet

A huge morale booster as Manchester United turned around a bad week by overcoming leaders Chelsea 1-0.

On a completely unrelated side note, the Calgary Flames are over .500 for the first time this season as of tonight.

无能

天, 我连礼物都不懂包.

The Sign of the Cross

The Cross represents many things in the Christian faith.

A sign of salvation. A sign of love. A sign of suffering, of the ultimate sacrifice. A sign of victory, of triumph over death. A sign of forgiveness. A sign of reconciliation. A sign of hope, of eternal life.

Today, to me, however, the Cross was a sign of mockery.

More Fatal Philosophy

用最少的努力换取最大的收获.

係我o既, 始終都會係我o既. 唔係我o既, 永遠都唔會係我o既.

Contemporary Christian Music

A sister asked why we never sing any new worship songs by contemporary Christian artists in fellowship.

I think most of the CCM (contemporary Christian music) popular today is more performance-oriented, more fitting to solo performances than group or worship singing. A lot of them are also songs that tell a story rather than just straightforward praising. For example, many of Mark Schultz's songs are inspired by stories he'd heard or personal experiences he'd gone through, such as "He's My Son", "Letters From War", "Do You Even Know Me Anymore", and "Closer To You". As a result, while the songs are immensely moving, they may not be fitting for a praise & worship.

I'm sure there are many contemporary praise songs available out there. We just have to recognize that not all CCM are suitable for singing in groups like in fellowships.

Can You Imagine?

I Can Only Imagine
By: MercyMe
From the recording: Almost There, Track #5

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

* Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine *

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Repeat * x 2

I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

箴言三

v.5: Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
v.6: in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
v.34: He mocks proud mockers but gives grace to the humble.

v.5: 你要專心仰賴耶和華, 不可倚靠自己的聰明,
v.6: 在你一切所行的事上都要認定他, 他必指引你的路.
v.34: 他譏誚那好譏誚的人, 賜恩給謙卑的人.

世人的聪明, 在耶和华眼中, 看为儿戏. 狂傲自高的人, 非但得不着神的恩典, 更招致神的惩罚.

只是, "认定" - "acknowledge" - 究竟是什么意思? 怎样才算"认定他"? 怎样才能看见他所"指引的路"?

诗篇三十二

Of David. A maskil.
1 Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
2 Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.

3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
Selah

5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD "—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
Selah

6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.
7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.
9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD's unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him.

11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!

大衛的"訓誨詩".
v.1: 得赦免其過, 遮蓋其罪的, 這人是有福的!
v.2: 凡心裡沒有詭詐, 耶和華不算為有罪的, 這人是有福的!
v.3: 我閉口不認罪的時候, 因終日唉哼而骨頭枯乾.
v.4: 黑夜白日, 你的手在我身上沉重; 我的精液耗盡, 如同夏天的乾旱. (細拉)
v.5: 我向你陳明我的罪, 不隱瞞我的惡. 我說: "我要向耶和華承認我的過犯, 你就赦免我的罪惡." (細拉)
v.6: 為此, 凡虔誠人都當趁你可尋找的時候禱告你; 大水泛溢的時候, 必不能到他那裡.
v.7: 你是我藏身之處; 你必保佑我脫離苦難, 以得救的樂歌四面環繞我. (細拉)
v.8: 我要教導你, 指示你當行的路; 我要定睛在你身上勸戒你.
v.9: 你不可像那無知的騾馬, 必用嚼環轡頭勒住他; 不然, 就不能馴服.
v.10: 惡人必多受苦楚; 惟獨倚靠耶和華的必有慈愛四面環繞他.
v.11: 你們義人應當靠耶和華歡喜快樂; 你們心裡正直的人都當歡呼.

求主教导我, 指示我当行的路.

撒母耳记上二十一

v. 10: That day David fled from Saul and went to Achish king of Gath.
v. 11: But the servants of Achish said to him, "Isn't this David, the king of the land? Isn't he the one they sing about in their dances:
" 'Saul has slain his thousands,
and David his tens of thousands'?"
v.12: David took these words to heart and was very much afraid of Achish king of Gath.
v.13: So he pretended to be insane in their presence; and while he was in their hands he acted like a madman, making marks on the doors of the gate and letting saliva run down his beard.
v.14: Achish said to his servants, "Look at the man! He is insane! Why bring him to me?
v.15: Am I so short of madmen that you have to bring this fellow here to carry on like this in front of me? Must this man come into my house?"

v.10: 那日大衛起來, 躲避掃羅, 逃到迦特王亞吉那裡.
v.11: 亞吉的臣僕對亞吉說: "這不是以色列國王大衛麼? 那裡的婦女跳舞唱和, 不是指著他說: '掃羅殺死千千, 大衛殺死萬萬' 麼?"
v.12: 大衛將這話放在心裡, 甚懼怕迦特王亞吉,
v.13: 就在眾人面前改變了尋常的舉動, 在他們手下假裝瘋癲, 在城門的門扇上胡寫亂畫, 使唾沫流在鬍子上.
v.14: 亞吉對臣僕說: "你們看, 這人是瘋子. 為甚麼帶他到我這裡來呢?
v.15: 我豈缺少瘋子, 你們帶這人來在我面前瘋癲麼? 這人豈可進我的家呢?"

忍辱负重者, 莫过于大卫也.
愚不可及者, 莫过于亚吉也.

Whirlwind

Relational Algebra. Worries. Tuple Relational Calculus. Anxiety. Structured Query Language. Confusion. Nested. Paris. Recursive. Eiffel Tower. Models. Diagrams. Paintings. Suspicion. Noise. Weariness.

It's a miracle I can get anything done.

Illusion

Seems as though I've created the illusion that I've changed.

Who am I kidding? People don't change.

Christmas Present

Saw something I really, really want to get for her this Christmas...

... but should I?

MacOS X Tiger on my Compaq?

Really tempted to swap a blank HD into my Compaq laptop and try installing MacOS X Tiger for x86.

Here are a few links full of information:

OSx86 Project
OSx86 Project Wiki
OSx86 Project Forum

United Thrashed

Saturday's 4-1 reverse at Middlesbrough was hailed as Manchester United's worst performance in years.

United now sit 6th in the Premiership with an abysmal 5-2-3 record, while Chelsea continue to lead the pack, and by a mile, having gone 10-0-1 so far. They're still leading Group D in the Champions League, but only because the group is so tight that four of six matches so far have been draws. 1-0-2 is far from reassuring form.

As of the end of October, United's record in all competitions stands at 9-2-5.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Drop Rio.

距离

距离心目中理想的男人...

... 还差得远.

一无是处 vs. 完美无瑕

一个人, 不会一无是处.

一个人, 也不会完美无瑕.

再差劲再不济的人, 也有他的优点, 有他的可取之处.

再优秀再出众的人, 也有他的缺点, 有他的美中不足.

所以人生在世, 既毋须妄自菲薄, 亦不应妄自尊大.

学习欣赏别人的优点, 接纳别人的缺点.

尝试改善自己的缺点, 发堀自己的优点.

何必凡事和人比较, 处处强求自己?

Pumpkin... Spice... Latté???

Hey... not bad!

Yikes!

Laptop power adapter: $70
Godin acoustic guitar + case: $550
Jamie Cullum's new album: $14
John Mayer's albums (dual-discs): $35
Logitech 5.1 speakers: $180
1GB USB memory key: $80

Total: Almost one grand

One word: Yikes!

Unexpected Emotions

Was watching a video clip I took earlier this year. Almost wanted to cry.

The clip was filmed through the window in my room in Baden, way back on February 13. It was one of the few days that snowed in Baden.

Watching the snow come down, I suddenly missed the time I spent away. And the place where I spent that time.

Never thought I'd miss Baden.

Beginning of Transformation

Time to put the past sixteen months behind me with a fresh new look.

无奈

"人常想要做他想做的事, 但却常常只能做他可以做的事." - 追命

Weird

Feels weird going to church on Saturday, then waking up on Sunday horrified that there's still an entire day left on the weekend.

Friend vs. Brother

What would I rather be seen as, a Friend or a Brother?

A Friend will share your secrets, your burdens, your pains, your struggles.

A Brother will love you unconditionally.

How about this?

A Brother who tries to be a Friend will do both.

A Friend will rarely try to be a Brother.

Brotherhood (and for that matter, sisterhood) is something that we cannot run away from. It is God's command. To love each other, I mean. But one still chooses who to be friends with.

Just because you're my Brother, doesn't mean I'll share my deepest feelings and thoughts with you as a Friend.

Just because you're not my Friend, doesn't mean I shouldn't love you as a Brother.

AcheAcheAcheAcheAche... mmm... cake...

Hankering for a delicious midnight snack, since I couldn't eat much at dinner, what with the toothache and all.

But... no cake...

Ahh well, guess I'll find something else.

Ache Ache Ache Ache Ache...

The unbearable pain of a toothache.

My word, if I have to finally lose this tooth, then please lose it and be done with it.

I don't want to resort to having a dentist pull it out. But if it decides to hang around forever and torture me this way, I may be left without a choice.

我

我就是我.

做一个更好的我, 仍然是我.

只要是我, 就会有错.

只要是我, 就会有缺点.

只要是我, 就会不完美.

所以, 我惟有学习接纳自己.

也学习接纳别人, 特别是要和我过一生的人.

也希望她接纳我.

因为, 我再好, 仍只是我.

Clubbing & Karaoke

不止一次被问到, 为何如此反对去club, 去唱K.

也不止一次看到报纸电视新闻报道, 什么什么nightclub发生醉酒暴力事件.

我想, 以上两者大概有些许关连吧.

或许我实在生长于一个过分保护的家庭, 以致我向来对晚上流连游荡于人多喧闹的场所没啥兴趣.

龙蛇混杂的地方, 总是少去为妙.

Killed By Bill

Getting so totally raped on my cell phone charges. Seriously time to switch back to monthly plans.

Mother Of All Dilemmas

Outgoing girls are easy to fall in love with, because they're so friendly with you.

Outgoing girls are difficult to love, because they're so friendly with every other guy.

My Fatal Philosophy

If you do anything, you must strive to be the best at it.

If you are not 100% certain you'll succeed, don't try.

If you tried and failed, destroy all evidence.

It's better to make no impression at all than to make a bad one.

箴言十六

v.4: The LORD works out everything for his own ends - even the wicked for a day of disaster. 耶和華所造的, 各適其用; 就是惡人也為禍患的日子所造.

人常问神若如此公义全能, 为何容许恶人横行无忌, 作奸犯科却又逍遥法外, 试问天理何在? 故此弃绝神, 殊不知恶人亦在神股掌之中, 为伸所使用. 若非恶人之所为, 人岂能经历人的罪性, 岂能醒觉人需要神? 若无恶, 焉知善?

v.9: In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. 人心籌算自己的道路; 惟耶和華指引他的腳步.

人总想把自己命运握在手中, 自己作主, 不用臣服于任何权势之下. 然而, 人生路上, 有多少事情是人能够操纵的? 飞来横祸, 躲也躲不开; 命中注定, 避也避不过. 妄想能安排计划自己的一生, 只是妄自尊大而已.

v.17: The highway of the upright avoids evil; he who guards his way guards his life. 正直人的道是遠離惡事; 謹守己路的, 是保全性命.

"谨守" - 即"谨慎自守". 英文的用词是"careful", 即"小心"之意. 即远离试探之意. 即逃避少年人的私欲之意. 即不可给魔鬼留地步之意. 即黑白分明, 以灰色地带为雷池而不越半步之意.

肤浅

Suddenly feel shallow.

Feels like I left for all the wrong reasons.

Feels like I want to return for all the wrong reasons.

Disappointed in myself as a Christian.

忽然觉得自己很肤浅.

好像为了错误的原因离开, 又想为了错误的原因回来.

令人失望的基督徒.

God says... what?

Was that God's way of saying no? I'm so confused now...

结局

人的生命到了尽头, 原来可以跟一只横尸街头的野兔没啥分别.

人生苦短

驾驶着车子在公路上飞驰, 黑夜中传来的噩耗.

认识他的日子不长, 才十天的时间. 可怖的是一星期前还活蹦蹦和我们打保龄的人, 一星期后连气息都没了.

有一首颇流行的赞美诗歌, 歌词说道, 人生像演戏. 现在感觉却不是这样. 演戏的人, 手里总有份剧本, 总知道自己的角色戏份, 可以反复预演练习, 以臻完美. 可是人生没有预演, 没有停顿, 没有NG, 没有重试的机会, 错了的不能挽回, 故有一失足成千古恨之说. 生命的主宰, 从来没有将剧本交给人. 一个人, 何时上台, 何时说话, 何时动作, 何时下台, 连自己都不知道, 更枉论自己操纵.

雅各书 四:13-17 『咳! 你们有话说:「今天明天我们要往某城里去, 在那里住一年, 做买卖得利.」其实明天如何, 你们还不知道. 你们的生命是甚麽呢? 你们原来是一片云雾, 出现少时就不见了. 你们只当说:「 主若愿意, 我们就可以活着, 也可以做这事, 或做那事.」现今你们竟以张狂夸口; 凡这样夸口都是恶的. 人若知道行善, 却不去行, 这就是他的罪了.』

我们应当思量, 在以往二十多年来, 我们所作的, 有多少是有永恒的价值? 假若明天主召我们回家, 我们的账单, 是有余还是亏欠? 我们是带着丰丰足足的果子见主的面, 还是负着绊倒人的债面对审判?

愿在主里互勉.

主内弟兄,
劲扬

Here We Go...

My first exam in how long now? Over 17 months?

We'll see how it goes...

So What?

Is it really that big a deal? Surely I have done worse things.

Doesn't seem right to base a decision on one factor alone.

Still need to talk to someone about this...

A Sign?

Shall I take it as a sign? To put an end to this madness before I get in too deep?

Need someone to talk to...

Even More Disappointed?

Do I Expect too much?

Am I asking for too much? Are my standards too high?

Disappointed?

Yep, I had Expectations.

Either Take It Away Or Show Me The Way

God... I don't know how to deal with this. It's probably not the best time yet for me to get into this, and most likely not for her either. But it's hard to keep her out of my mind. So do this for me, God: either take it away, or show me the way.

Si / If

Si Volvieras a Mí
Josh Groban
Music and Lyrics: Klaus Derendorf, Mark Portmann, and Claudia Brant
From the recording: "Closer", Track #4

¿Como sobrevivir?
¿Como calmar mi sed?
¿Como seguir sin tí?
¿Como saltar sin red?
Con ese adios tan salvaje y cruel
Me despojaste la piel
La eternidad en final se quedo
Y un desierto es mí corazon

Ay si volvieras a mí
Encenderia el sol mil primaveras
Si regresaras por mí
Seria un milagro cada beso que me dieras
Pero hoy te vas
Y no hay vuelta atras

¿Qué habrá después de tí?
Mas que estas lágrimas
Si hasta la lluvia en el jardin
Toca musica sin fin
Sombría y trágica
Hoy de rodillas le pido a Dios
Que por el bien de los dos
Algo en tu pecho se quiebra al oír
A este loco que se muere de amor

Ay si volvieras a mí
Encenderia el sol mil primaveras
Si regresaras por mí
Seria un milagro cada beso que me dieras
Pero hoy te vas
Y no hay vuelta atras

Y desataste un huracan
Fuego y furia de un volcan
Que no se apagar
Como olvido que fui
Esclavo de tí
Ya no puedo mas

Ay si volvieras a mí vida
Ay si volvieras
Si regresaras por mí
Seria feliz otra vez
Pero hoy te vas
Y no hay vuelta atras

Obsession

The key to doing well in school? One word:

Obsession.

One is able to devote tremendous amounts of time, energy, and memory to an obsession. So all you really need to do, in order to do well in school, is become obsessed with the subjects you're studying.

Struggling

Still confused about what I'm feeling for her. I don't know if it should be taken seriously. Don't know what direction I should be praying in.

Can't Hold On Much Longer...

Napped on and off for the past half hour... at this rate I'll be unconscious by the time lecture starts.

How might I be able to stay awake a little longer? Think happy thoughts? Hmm...

*Yawn*

Boy oh boy... good thing I took a 3-hour nap yesterday afternoon. Otherwise, I would've crashed long before finishing the assignment.

Heading to school in a bit... as soon as I print it out...

Changes Are Slow...

The last time I had my hair cut was, oh, 16 months ago. Almost, but not quite, at the point where I must get it cut in order to feel human again.

It'll be a nice change of pace to be neat and tidy again. Can't stay this way forever, after all.

Other changes are easier to come by. Case in point: my chin has not felt so smooth in years.

1st All-Nighter This Term

Expecting to be up all night doing this CompSci assignment.

Yippee-yai-yay-yai-yo...

Hope? Or Expectation?

Do I hope to see her today? Or do I expect to see her today?

*Confused*

Disappointment

Expectation leads to Disappointment.

Zero Expectation leads to Thanksgiving.

What about Hope? What does Hope lead to?

I think Hope leads to Joy.

The important part is keeping Hope from turning into Expectation.

Haven't Felt This Way For So Long...

Just thinking about her brings a smile to my face. My heart aches for her presence, though she has no idea that she's on my mind.

Oh geez, get a grip on yourself, Alex.

Crush?

Man, what's up with this? It's been so long since I had an actual crush I'd forgotten what it feels like and how to live with it.

Wedding Blessings

婚禮的祝福
陳奕迅
詞: 許常德 曲: 陳建寧, 陳政卿
From the recording: 婚禮的祝福, Track #1

時間一秒一秒一秒 倒數計時
往事一幕一幕一幕 突然靜止
你挽著他 他挽著你 向我走過來
同桌的人蜂擁而上 將你我隔開

我乾杯 你隨意 這是個殘酷的喜劇
我的人生早留在你那裡 我卻還要故作瀟灑地

*你和他 我和你 這是個諷刺的交集
是你太殘忍 還是我太天真
你要我來 就真的出席

+我的請帖是你的喜帖
你要的一切如今都變成我的心碎
你總是太清醒 我始終喝不醉
連祝福 你還逼我給
你的喜帖是我的請帖
你邀我舉杯 我只能回敬我的崩潰
在場的都知道 你我曾那麼好
如今整顆心都碎了
你還要我微笑 + *

Repeat * +

Wedding Musings

One Last Cry
Brian McKnight
From the recording: Brian McKnight, Track #6

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
I gave my best to you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry
Cry.....

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
Gotta get over you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind
For the very last time
Stop living a lie

I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on
And on ....
And on ....

I'm gonna dry my eyes
Right after I've had my
One last cry

One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind
For the very last time
Been living a lie

I guess I'm down,
I guess I'm down,
I guess I'm down...
To my last cry...

What I Lack

Went to a wedding banquet tonight, where they did it right and had a dance floor right in the hall for everyone to dance after dinner.

This may come as a surprise, but I actually paid attention in P.E. classes back in junior high. Well, it's kinda hard not to pay attention in P.E. classes. In any case, the point is, I actually learned some dance steps that I can still vaguely remember. So, no, dancing isn't something I'd be scared of. It's the girl I'd have to dance with that scares me. Or rather, it's the part where you ask the girl for a dance that scares me most.

Anyway, I think there was supposed to be a point to this entry, but it got lost during the time I spent working on my assignment. So I'll just wing it from here on in.

Like I said earlier, as Luis astutely pointed out, songs I listen to reflect my deepest emotions. Judging by what I listen to these days, things have been going downhill for the past week or so. I feel like I've been in a funk of late, a neverending rut I seem to get halfway out of, then slip and tumble back in deeper than before.

I recognize the need for me to be content with myself, with where God has placed me in life, with what I've achieved, with where I'm going next. This is the only way to solve life's problems: Not by jumping from one lifesaver to the next (like some people are doing), but by accepting myself and my circumstances.

Evil? Or Just Plain Stupid?

I don't know which one hurts more.

Envy

1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

I've gotta admit, I'm envious and perhaps even jealous of my best friend.

Oh well, things happen (or don't happen) for a reason.

ENCM503 Assignment 1

I thought about posting the pictures my program generated to give you all an idea of what we're doing in this Digital Video Processing course, but then I remembered that doing so could result in me being charged with plagiarism. So I won't post them on here until the deadline for the assignment has passed.

It's Just The Beginning...

Here we are, the first assignment of our final year...

... shite, how do we do this?

Loads of programming, plus readings still to do for the Playstation2 project...

The IBM information session was outstanding, if only for the reason that they've now made me really, really want to work for them. I don't know if that's a good thing for them though, hiring a lazy bum like me. *Laughs*

Apparently though, my friend in Toronto, who's actually working for IBM right now, tells me the lab is nothing to get too excited about. It's a shame that I didn't have time back in June to check it out for myself.

Anyway... wow, I'd been working for like, five hours straight. About time to go to bed now... gonna see mom off at the airport tomorrow morning. Three weeks without her around... yay!!!

Oh, one last thing... Luis and Sharon have been asking me to chip in on getting bunnies for Luis' apartment... I'm still thinkin' about it, as is Luis' roommate Anson... but I mean, if I don't have to keep her in my house, I don't see why not... *Evil laugh*

The Pain Keeps Coming Back...

Every little thing brings up memories of things long past the point of salvaging.

Every little thing.

Every little damn thing.

I'm so tired. Tired of trying to move forward one day and being dragged back into the past the next. Tired of trying to move on. Tired of telling myself I've moved on. Tired of pretending to everyone else I've moved on. Why can't I just get to the place I'm supposed to move on to and get this all over with? It's been ten months for crying out loud. Ten freaking months. A freaking child could've been born in that time.

Some might think starting a new relationship helps one move on. I secretly think that's bogus. How do you concentrate on your new relationship when you're still affected by the past? I know someone who's in that situation; the girl isn't too happy when the boy gets all emotional about his ex.

There's so much to learn about being secure in myself, about appreciating my strengths, about accepting who I am. But I feel like I'm walking around in circles, a hopeless man in the desert of brokenheartedness.

Restoration

I really want to put Day 20 of the Purpose-Driven Life to work. But it's really hard to try to restore a fellowship when the other party still doesn't want to see you, even when you're just five feet away.

Quiet

安靜
周杰倫
詞/曲：周杰倫

只剩下鋼琴陪我談了一天
睡著的大提琴 安靜的 舊舊的

我想你已表現得非常明白
我懂我也知道 你沒有捨不得

你說你也會難過 我不相信
牽著你陪著我 也只是曾經
希望他是真的比我還要愛你
我才會逼自己離開

你要我說多難堪 我根本不想分開
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過
我沒有這種天份 包容你也接受他
不用擔心得太多 我會一直好好過
你已經遠遠離開 我也會慢慢走開
為什麼我連分開都遷就著你
我真的沒有天份 安靜得沒這麼快
我會學著放棄你 是因為我太愛你

Basic Life Principles

The ultimate information overload.

Can't deny it though, the seminar helped me a lot. A huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Combine that with Day 20 of the Purpose-Driven Life and I feel like I'm ready for anything.

Thank God for His teachings!

Am I Free?

Prayed the prayer prescribed last night in the Basic Life Principles Seminar. Feels like I'm finally free of the shackles of the past 10 months, nay, 3 years. Or I could be fooling myself.

Holy Crap... Worst Class Ever

First day of classes, 1 pm, the only class after lunch.

We're there in our seats with my laptop out trying to figure out why the AirUC wireless connection wasn't working all of a sudden. Then Dr. Russian-Guy walks in from the front door, five minutes late, no course outline ready for distribution, starts writing his contact information on the board without erasing the leftovers from the previous class, then writes a generally vague outline of topics to be covered in this course, mumbles on for no more than five minutes, and walks out the back door, leaving a roomful of stunned students in his wake.

Incredible. Somehow, though, I have this sneaking suspicion that this is how University is supposed to be. That we've been getting ripped off for 45 minutes every class for the past three years.

Let Go

When you realize what you do does not affect something, that something ceases to affect what you do. That is the meaning of letting go.

Unprepared

Holy crap. School starts for real tomorrow and I still have no idea when and where my classes are. Holy crap.

On a side note, I suppose I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, get my act together, and get something productive done. When it's obvious you pay no attention to how I feel, why should I let your actions bother me? Choices, choices, choices.

Oh, and perhaps now isn't the best time to return to Saturday choir. Not if my heart isn't set on serving and glorifying God.

Somehow it feels like I still haven't released all the emotions I got pent up. What is it that I'm feeling?

I said previously that I would not allow myself to be replaced. But the truth is, I've already been. And it would be senseless to trigger comparisons. I have my friends who see me as who I am, and love me for who I am. Most of all, Christ accepts me the way I am. What's there to worry about?

I've Lost Enough

Really, really frustrated.

Not mildly. Not sort of. Not moderately. Not a little. Not somewhat. Not slightly. Not marginally.

Really, really frustrated.

Frustrated because I found out who showed up at choir dinner last night.

Really frustrated.

I know you wouldn't give a shit how I feel about what you do. That's fair. But the choir is my place of serving. It's my stomping grounds. I do not intend to let others replace me in every aspect of life.

It's time to fight back. Enough is enough. I need to reclaim what is rightfully mine. Starting today.

Wreck 2

Beaten. Exhausted. Weak. KO'ed. Can't get up. Losing battle. Why get up? What's left to fight for? Isolated. Alone. Lamb to the slaughter. Ashamed. Humiliated. Bound. Cuffed. Chained. Why? Liberate me. Give me back my self. Be strong. Be strong. Be strong. The weak are trampled on. Head held high. Strengthen my faith. I get knocked down, but I'll get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down. I'll do the right thing. The mature, responsible thing. The bigger man.

Luis' Insight

Luis had the insight to note that I mostly listen to songs that reflect my innermost feelings. While I love the following song, I don't share the regret or the wish to turn back the clock in the lyrics.

She's Out of My Life
Josh Groban
Music and Lyrics: Tom Bahler
From the recording: Closer (Special Edition), Track #15

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
And I don't know whether to laugh or cry
I don't know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

It's out of my hands
It's out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted
I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She's out of my hands

So I've learned that love's not possession
And I've learned that love won't wait
Now I've learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late

She's out of my life
She's out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She's out of my life

A Wreck

Suckerpunched. Winded. Can't breathe. Hollow. Dazed. Shock. Defiant laugh. Numb. Cold. No tears. Angry? Pain. Hope? I will not cry. Not worth my tears. God has prepared me. Shell of a man. Blank. No tears. No tears. No tears. Crying inside? Bleeding inside? Broken. Pity. Class tomorrow. Not up for it. Depression? Not having it. Won't allow it. Bitter, defiant laugh.

What's the Deal with Love?

Thinkin' of making a five-year deal with God. I know we're in no positions to negotiate with our Creator, but perhaps I'm ready to set a target to pray for.

Girl of my Dreams

Judging by last night's dream, she's rather unattainable.

Wedding Crashers

I'll take this chance to congratulate the newlyweds, Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Law. I've known the couple for a combined 20 years now, and honest to God, if there's anybody in my age group I would want to model my life after, they'd fit the bill.

The ceremony was touching if not entertaining. The banquet, though none of the speakers cried, and there was no dance floor for the couple's first dance as husband and wife, was a beautiful celebration of this exciting new chapter in their life. A gathering of people who love them dearly, and want nothing but the best for them.

While I'm sure this is the happiest day of their lives, I hope it doesn't peak here. I hope every subsequent day will become the happiest day of their life, as God's blessings fill their cup to the point of overflowing.

Ben & Spring, 我哋支持你!!

Motivation

Why do I do the things I do?

Happily Busy... Busily Happy

Spent yesterday with Andrew, Eunice, and Doug. Threw a belated birthday party for Ivan tonight. Busy busy busy, but every minute of it rocks cuz I'm with friends.

Tomorrow will be picking small Ivan up from the airport, then helping Doug move to his new place in Brentwood. Thursday will be picking up decorations and rehearsing Saturday's wedding rundown. Sunday will be church, soccer, and dinner with family friends. So that leaves really Friday relatively free. Got some friends in town only till next week before heading back out to the east coast, so I'll need to squeeze them in some time between now and then.

Got a mosquito in the room right now, distracting me so I can't really work. It's amazing what a little screaming and hitting can do to a guy, considering I killed a mosquito and a spider on Sunday, when normally (like right now) I'd rather flee the room than confront the little bloodsucker.

Now that was a holiday...

*Whew!* Today was awesome. Simply awesome. There's no other word for it. I can't even begin to describe how great it feels to hang out with friends. Friends I've known for years. Fantastic.

Got nicely tanned at the Mozart concert. I'll admit that I don't understand most of the pieces, but just listening to great music in the spectacular surroundings and beautiful weather more than made my day.

Then there was the fireworks after a steak dinner. Sure, probably something I'd rather be sharing with a special someone, but it was nice nevertheless to just kick back with friends and watch things blow up in the sky.

Single's life, spending time with friends. Just loving it.

My Confused Mind

I could tell you what I was thinking but then I'd have to kill you or kill myself.

Purpose-Driven Life: Day 14

(Ok, ok, I know I'm a little bit behind in my readings...)

Today's topic is "When God Seems Distant".

As you all know, I went through one of the most difficult periods of my life in the past twelve months. While I hadn't lost faith in God, it did feel at times as though He was taking away something very dear to my heart in order to punish me.

I want to thank all my brothers and sisters, who prayed for my faith and my broken heart, even though the eight-hour time difference made you all seem so distant.

I also want to thank my Lord, who never abandoned me in times of pain and suffering. This chapter taught that "faith, not feelings, pleases God." Thank you, Lord, for strengthening my faith.

Speaking of faith over feelings, I think this also applies to relationships. Building a relationship on the basis of faith, rather than feelings, is a sign of maturity. I probably won't always feel my wife's love, and I probably won't always show my love for her, but I pray that we will always have faith in our love for each other. That's how love should be.

Full Circle

You know, it doesn't matter who I'm interested in. Because in the end, you know I won't have the guts to make a move.

Edwin said a man's destined to pay his dues. I've had my share of crushes, my share of rejections, my share of breakups. No, I won't tell you how many of each; but if I did, you'd see that I rarely act on my feelings.

Yeah, I'm staying positive. I have faith in God's provision. (I think I've said that before.) But I'm afraid that when she does come along, I'll be too timid to even ask her out.

So why is it that I can never bring myself to ask a girl out? A fear of rejection? Perhaps. But I think it's more than that. I think it stems from the thought that there's nothing about me that's attractive to a girl. In other words, I don't see why a girl would like me.

Ahh geez. See? We're back to the same ol' issue again.

But I guess girls don't like guys who never try. So what should I do? Should I try acting on my feelings every once in a while?

My Dumbass Face

Was talking to one of my best friends as I drove him home. Well, actually we were on our way to Market Mall before driving him home, but that's besides the point.

Somehow got to talking about the way I present myself to others. He said that, while I was a nice guy in general (I'm paraphrasing here. Ask him for actual quotes.), I usually appeared cool, unfriendly, and unapproachable to others. I argued that I wasn't born with a naturally smiling, naturally friendly face. As far as I was concerned, my most relaxed expression looked most like a dumbass.

I've never been, am not, and never will be the kind of guy who can get any girl he wants simply by flashing a smile or charming her with flirtatious advances. Actually, I thank God for not making me that kind of guy. God bless the girl who bothers to dig deeper beneath my surface and falls in love with what's underneath. It's a shame that not more girls see me the same way my friend does.

WAP

The ability to Welcome, Appreciate, and Promote differences is a sign of maturity.

Children only want to play with other children who behave the same way, who think the same way, who like the same things.

Mature people will befriend others who behave a different way, who think a different way, who like different things.

I want to be mature. I realize that my wife won't behave the same way as I do, or think the same way as I do, or like the same things as I do. And it's my job, my responsibility, and my privilege as her husband to WAP that.

Holiday Pains

This is like, the worst holiday ever.

Hours upon hours, days upon days of being stuck in a car for long, bumpy rides. Mother of all headaches. Headache about a mother.

I thought holidays were supposed to be relaxing, so a person could get away from daily busyness and recharge his batteries. Only my parents are capable of turning relaxation and enjoyment into a chore.

Up well before 9 and not getting back till dark (that, in late August, means after 9), these hours are worse than any job I've ever done. Being left for dead in the car without keys or facilities in the vicinity, yeah, that's just my idea of fun.

Did I ask to come to Yellowstone? No. Yeah it's all nice and pretty, the geysers bubbling and churning and splashing and spitting amongst the most barren landscape I've ever seen with mine own eyes. But do I care to come here with my parents and their friends and their friend's friends?? Gosh no. Was I involved in any planning? Heck no. I'm just dragged around like a kid. A poor 21-year-old "kid" with his ass numb from all the sitting, totally not wanting to be here. Hell, a dog being walked by his owner gets more of a choice of where to go.

Maybe when I finally get married, they'll learn to let me decide where I want to do my holidaying, and whether I want them around.

Disappointed... again...

Got a pair of OCZ DDR400 512MB sticks today, hoping to break the 200MHz barrier finally on my computer, only to see errors pop up like mad even at 166MHz. Disappointment. Trying to nail down which stick is causing the problems right now. Can't believe the old stick of Kingston/Infineon DDR333 512MB can push 198MHz but these two are messing up even at 166MHz.

So... off to Yellowstone this coming Tuesday. Not particularly excited. You know me, I was born a house cat.

So we've got BBQ tomorrow, Chianti's Monday. Gone Tuesday to Saturday. Then to Canmore for Mozart on Sunday, and maybe see fireworks that evening as well. Then maybe cheese fondue Monday. After that, gonna be busy helping Ben and Spring with their wedding preparations.

Heckuva way to end the summer.

Realization

Just realized thoughts of her haven't crossed my mind for days.

Doesn't mean life is without disappointments, however. Twice, in the span of three days.

Need new RAM

Been running memory tests on all three machines in the house today (mine, dad's, and a friend's). Errors popping up left right and center on dad's machine and mine. Can't believe he actually put AZENRAM in my machine, which was OC'ed to 198MHz FSB. That piece of junk doesn't even run properly at its normal settings.

And now it appears as though the MSI motherboard in my dad's machine has a defective memory controller or whatever it's called. Stuck a piece of Kingston 256MB that ran perfectly fine on my machine at 166MHz in my dad's, and still generated errors despite running at 133MHz.

So, I guess I'll test the RAM's on my dad's computer in mine to make sure they're not faulty. In any case, though, I think I'll be buying some new RAM for my machine. Looking at OCZ's 1GB DDR400 Premier Series DualDDR Kit right now at MemoryExpress, on sale at $134.95 after mail-in rebate.

Back to Sunday

I just don't see Saturday working out for me. So it's back to Sunday for the time being.

Homosexuality, Evolution, and Cohabitation

Controversial issues were brought up again last night at fellowship.

Am I among the minorities who find problems with the three subjects mentioned above? Are we - conservative fundamentalists or whatever you want to call us - the minorities now, even in the church? Why do I feel so many people - some of whom even go to church or are professed Christians - have compromised what the Bible has taught them, or simply don't know or care enough to take a stand on the issues that Satan is using to destroy human race?

It's sad to hear about the conditions HK churches find themselves in. There's a complete lack of awareness and alertness in HK Christian youths, it seems. How long before Canadian Chinese Christian youths go down the same path of moral destruction?

Lessons in Faith

James said, "... faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead."

I have faith in God to bring me the one who will complete me.

What should my corresponding action be?

I have a mother...

... who has over 20 years of experience in making me feel worthless.

Unexpected People Bring Back Unexpected Memories

Ran into Eva just now. Hadn't seen her in years. Well, a year at least. Talked for a bit, nothing special. What hit me was what came after.

The memories of that autumn afternoon of 2001. The busstop. The one in front of what is now the ICT building. When LRT didn't run to Dalhousie and busses went all the way home. The jokes about my resemblance to Reverend Kaan, the missionary who lived in Morocco.

The first memories I have of you.

Can You Help Me Know Myself?

Self-conceptions can be deceiving. We all lie to ourselves to some extent about who we are. Or we simply haven't a clue about our true selves.

Therefore, I'd like to invite you, my friend, to tell me a few things about myself. Things that may be obvious to you, but they may not be to me. So please, come help me paint a more accurate picture of Alex Cheung. Post comments to this entry. You may wish to remain anonymous, which is fine by me, if you only have negative things to say about me. Just remember that identifying yourself in some way (you don't have to tell me your name) will help me in evaluating your comments, i.e. I'll know the comment was made by someone who knows me.

Or, what the heck, come tell me face-to-face.

God's Creations

Some were created alone. Most were created in pairs. But none were together at birth; all were meant to find the other through their walks of life.

22 in less than 4 months

What are the implications? I should start thinking...

22 sounds like a big number, doesn't it? Well, bigger than 21, at least. What ought I be doing at 22? What are others doing at 22? Heck, what are others doing before 22?

What could I be doing at 22? I won't even have graduated yet from university. Well, I suppose graduating at 22 and a half is sort of early already, considering I did a five-year program. And what comes after? What happens at 22 and a half?

I'll need a job, no question. Not really keen on doing Master's without company sponsorship. Perhaps it'd be a good idea to start looking at want ads?

Actually, perhaps I've been asking all the wrong questions. What does God want me to do at 22? Where does God want me to be? What has God prepared for me next year? And perhaps most importantly, who has God been preparing for me for the past 22 years? And when will God bring us together?

Yup, it's all about God. And I can't wait.

An Uncalled-for Apology

To the girl I once loved: I'm sorry if my temper ever embarrassed you in front of your family and friends, or even just acquaintances and mere strangers.

Strum strum strum...

Borrowed a guitar from a brother so I could see if I've got what it takes to play and play well. Now my fingers hurt even as I type. But hey, no pain no gain right?

Just realized that I'm seriously disadvantaged, even handicapped, by my bent pinkies, which means the strings aren't pressed properly. Maybe surgery can correct this?

Mi primera lección española

Aléjate
Josh Groban
Music and Lyrics: Albert Hammond and Marti Sharron
From the recording: Josh Groban, Track #6

Jamás sentí en el alma tanto amor
Y nadie mas que tú, mi amó
Por ti reí y lloré, renací también
Lo que tuve di, por tenerte aquí
Ya sé que despedirnos es mejor
Sufriendo pagaré mi error
Ya nada será igual, lo tengo que aceptar
Y hallar la fuerza en mí para este adios

* Aléjate, no puedo más
Ya no hay manera de volver el tiempo atrás
Olvídate de mí
Y déjame seguir a solas con mi soledad
Aléjate, ya dime adios
Y me resignaré a seguir sin tu calor
Y jamás entenderé que fue lo que pasó
Si nada puedo hacer, aléjate *

No voy a arrepentirme del ayer
Amándo te hice, mujer
Por el amor aquel, por serte siempre fiel
Hoy tengo que ser fuerte y aprender

Repeat * x 2

Translation:

I never felt so much love in my soul
And no one loved me more than you did
For you I laughed and cried, and was reborn
I gave all I have to keep you here
I know that saying goodbye is best
Suffering, I will pay for my mistake
And nothing will be the same. I have to accept it
And find the strength in me for this goodbye

* Just walk away. I cannot bear it anymore
There’s no way to go back in time
Forget me
And let me go on alone with my solitude
Just walk away, tell me goodbye
And I will resign myself to going on without your warmth
And I will never understand what happened
If there's nothing I can do, just walk away *

I’m not going to repent for yesterday
I loved you, woman
For that love, for always being faithful
Today I have to be strong and learn

Repeat * x 2

I Know What I Did Last Summer

Just got back from the annual church summer conference at Three Hills. A more tiresome weekend this year than any other. The battle with the heat and the battle within wore me out in two days, and I nearly lost last night. I stuck it out though in the end, willing myself through the trials.

Absolutely miserable last night. I don't want to remember the past, but I can't help myself. So what am I supposed to do? I can't run away, I can't look back. But what can I do when everything that used to be so familiar, so natural, so reflexive, is now a needle pricking at my heart? What can I do but hide from them and hope they dull over time?

Still debating whether to go back to Saturday worship. There's nothing for me to do on Sunday. If I want to serve, I may have to look to Saturday regardless. That won't go down well with some people.

April Music Review

Comfortable - John Mayer: Once again, a soft, melancholic melody combined with John's unique accent. Nothing fancy, just the simple story of a lost love. Perfect for turning the lights down late at night, sipping on a glass of wine, and remembering a love that slipped through your fingers.

Collide - Howie Day: Scrubs just keeps churning out great tunes for listening. Besides great episodes, I mean. Another nice, easy listening.

Closer - Joshua Radin: Another song I heard recently in Scrubs. An excellent vocal performance by Joshua, leaping and bounding over the scale with consummate ease.

Forever Love - 王力宏: My friend's girlfriend, Eunice, sent me this song by Leehom, whose music I had not previously sampled. A bit much with the falsetto, I thought, but a catchy tune nevertheless.

空中飛人 - 李克勤: An altogether disappointing album from Hacken, who has set very high standards with 飛花, Let's Celebrate, 愛不釋手, Ever Last, Custom Made, and Smart I.D. 聽傷口説話 is the only recommendable song of the entire CD.

Just Like a Newcomer?

Someone told me not to expect too much from my brothers and sisters. Having been gone for a year, I'm probably more akin to a newcomer than an old friend, she said.

I beg to differ.

If I were in fact a newcomer, I'd comfortably sit at home and wait for them to call me and care for me. I wouldn't get all antsy about nobody sparing the time to ring me up; I could just find other friends to hang out with.

But no. Instead, I'm stuck here at home, wondering if I ought to be calling them since they won't call me. Dilemma. Wondering whose responsibility it is to call.

Just like a newcomer? I think not.

The Joy of Football

For two hours, I had nothing on my mind but football.

No girls, past present or future. No degrees. No careers. No bumps and bruises. No parents. No friends. Nothing but football.

And it felt so good. So pure. So true. So simple. So beautiful. A game where the sole objective is to place a ball in the goal more times than the opposition, using any means within legal limits.

For two hours, the ball was all that mattered.

Telephony

The invention of telephony bridged distances the way wormholes (supposedly) warp spacetime. Anyone could call anyone else over a sophisticated network of wires in a matter of seconds, wherever they are on the planet. This is especially true with mobile telephony technologies.

So why haven't I got a cell phone yet? Well, whichever kind of telephony you're talking about (traditional vs. mobile vs. internet), you always have one person calling another. That's what phones are for, so you can call someone or so someone can call you. So it sort of defeats the purpose of having a phone if you have nobody to call or nobody wants to call you.

That is, I think, why I haven't got a cell phone yet.

Sweet Dreams are Made of This

It's interesting to note that, while I had bad dreams nearly every night in Switzerland, ever since coming home, I've been relatively free of nightmares. In fact, last night (or more accurately, this morning) I had a particularly pleasant dream. Not that I'd share with you the details, of course.

Hot Model-cum-Teacher Pleads Insanity

Meet Debra Beasley Lafave.

The 24-year-old Floridian, formerly a model before becoming a middle school teacher, is pleading "not guilty due to insanity" to four counts of "lewd and lascivious battery" and one count of "lewd and lascivious exhibition". Each carries a maximum 15-year prison term.

Police said she had sex with a 14-year-old boy - whom she chaperoned on a school field trip - five times in early June, 2004.

Debra's lawyer, John Fitzgibbons, will file notice of an insanity defence. "Debbie has some profound emotional issues that are not her fault," Fitzgibbons had said late last year. Then, after the pretrial hearing yesterday, he reiterated her "emotional stress" and that she "did not know right from wrong", asking the reporters gathered outside the courtroom, "What teacher in her right mind would do something like this?"

Fitzgibbons had hoped to settle this case outside of court, but plea bargaining broke down when he felt the prosecutors wanted Debra to serve too much prison time. "To place an attractive young woman in that kind of hell hole is like putting a piece of raw meat in with the lions," he said. "I'm not sure she would survive."

There are issues to be examined here:

1. The use of "insanity" as an acceptable defence/excuse for committing a crime.
2. The gender equality issue involved in this case, in terms of both the perpetrator and the victim.

As the general population of this post-modern society becomes more me-centric, more and more people are looking to shift responsibilities - and subsequently, blames - onto other parties. It's never "my" fault anymore; always somebody else's. How many times have you heard of lawsuits resulting from careless restaurant patrons spilling hot coffee and burning themselves, or unwatchful parents letting their children get hurt at the playground or at home? Now, apparently, Fitzgibbons wants to argue that it wasn't Debra's fault that she had illegal extramarital sex with her student, because she had "profound emotional issues" that were outside her control, citing the tragic death of her pregnant older sister four years ago as the primary factor.

So, essentially, Fitzgibbons is saying that a person need not and cannot be held responsible for his actions if he has an excuse for it. Gee, well isn't that nice? I'm sure 90% of the criminals currently locked up in North America had "profound emotional issues" that led them to commit the most heinous of crimes. Why don't we let them all out on the basis that they had no control over these issues? Wouldn't that be nice? Sure would save us taxpayers a bundle not having to pay for their living expenses, not to mention their education, recreation, and freaking cable TV.

Seriously, I don't give a crap if her sister died. What she did to the 14-year-old boy is sick, and she needs to be locked up for it. If you think she won't survive, that's too bad; she should've considered that before riding the boy. And let's not forget: if it were a 24-year-old man screwing a 14-year-old schoolgirl, you'd all be thirsting for his blood.

Pleading insanity is akin to saying, "Don't hold me responsible for what I've done because I'm crrrraaaaazzzy! I don't have to take responsibility for anything I do because I'm crrrrrrrraaaaaazzzzzzyyy!!" If you're not responsible for your own life and your own actions, then pray tell, who is?

Lock her up in a cell. Let the other prisoners have their way with this fine piece of meat. Or, if the medical examiners do indeed determine that she's crrrraaaazzzy, then lock her up in an asylum. It's all the same to me.

One of Those Nights...

Tonight is one of those nights where nothing is coming to me. Not a constipation of ideas; just a complete lack of.

What to make of the Canadian same-sex marriage bill?

Recently discussed the Canadian same-sex marriage bill issue with a friend in Toronto, the Canadian symbol of gay pride.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: Marriage was an instutition before governments, and governments have neither the right nor the power to change its definition.

And the reasoning that gays and lesbians were discriminated against under the previous definition of marriage between one man and one woman? Merrian-Webster's Dictionary of Law (1996) defines "discriminate" as: to make a difference in treatment or favour on a basis other than individual merit. Well, as far as I can tell, we weren't discriminating against gays and lesbians under the old laws. Let's see: could straight people marry someone his/her own gender? I'm afraid they couldn't either. So how was not allowing gays and lesbians marry someone his/her own gender an act of discrimination? If nobody was allowed to do it, then there could not have been any discrimination going on, since discrimination presumes a "difference in treatment". And believe you me when I say that gays and lesbians could in fact marry under the old laws. Really, they could! They were as free as the rest of us to marry someone of the opposite sex! Where was the discrimination?!

One more example here. Suppose a Canadian wanted a say in American politics. He wants to vote in the next American presidential election. But - surprise, surprise! - he's told by the authorities that he's not allowed to vote, because he's not American. What do you say here? "Hey! That's discrimination!" Do you not see how ridiculous that sounds? But that's exactly what's going on right now with this bill!

So if there was no discrimination, what the hell was this bill all about? What the hell was this bill supposed to fix, exactly? If you want to bring up the stuff about tax benefits for married couples, let's try to figure out why they exist in the first place. I would argue that married couples get tax breaks because they form families - the basic unit in a society - and are seen as beneficial to society in general for rearing and nurturing children - the next generation of society. Homosexual unions cannot bring forth such prosperity; rather, their failure to reproduce is particularly detrimental to society in general. In fact, I would even go as far as saying "homosexual unions are cancerous to society". Just as cancer cells consume nutrients but do no meaningful good to the body as a whole, so too do homosexual unions receive all the benefits but contribute nothing positive to society. Even children adopted into such "families" (for the lack of a better term) are bound to grow up with a twisted perception of the world.

So that's my controversial blurb of the week. If you share a similar view, I'd love to hear from you. If you disagree with what I said, well, you can take your opinion and shove it.

The Mathematics Behind the Birthday Game

For those of you who've ever been to the Stampede, you should be familiar with the Birthday Game. That's the one where you place a buck or two in the square with the name of your favourite month, and hope the 14-sided die will show the same month. Some of you are still placing money in one square at a time, while some of the shrewder ones have decided to cover all the bases by buying up all twelve months plus New Years and Christmas. I'm here to discuss strategy for this particular game, so hopefully next year you'll get a better return on your investment.

First, we need to make an assumption regarding the die. In order to keep things simple, we'll assume that we have in our hands a fair die; that is, the outcome of a roll is truly random and each face has an equal chance of landing on top on any given roll. This means the probability of each outcome is assume to be P(NY) = P(Jan) = P(Feb) = ... = P(Dec) = P(X'mas) = 1/14.

Now a quick refresher course in probability.

1. P(2 faces) = 2 x P(1 face) = 2/14 = 1/7 (Probability of winning if we buy two months)
2. P(7 faces) = 7 x P(1 face) = 7/14 = 1/2 (Probability of winning if we buy seven months)
3. P'(1 face) = 1 - P(1 face) = 1 - 1/14 = 13/14 (Probability of losing if we buy one month)
4. P(1 face & 1 face) = 1/14 x 1/14 = 1/196 (Probability of winning twice in a row if we buy one month each time)
5. P(1 face 1 face) = 1/14 x 13/14 + 13/14 x 1/14 = 26/196 = 13/98 (Probability of winning once if we play twice, buying one month each time)

As we already know, buying all 14 squares results in P(14 faces) = 1. This is the safest route for somebody simply looking to score a stuffed animal for his girlfriend who's throwing a tantrum, but it's certainly not the wisest investment.

Let's begin by splitting up our bets into halves. That means (2) where we now have a 1/2 chance of winning in each round by buying seven squares. That also means we can now play two rounds with the same amount of money. Combining (2), (4), and (5), we see that:

P(7 faces & 7 faces) = 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/4 (Probability of winning twice in a row)
P(7 faces 7 faces) = 1/2 x 1/2 + 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/2 (Probability of winning once out of two rounds)

Voila! By introducing a 1/4 chance of not winning anything, we've also introduced a 1/4 chance of winning twice in a row, while keeping the chance of winning at least once at a respectable 3/4.

What if we took it one step further? How about three rounds of 5 squares? This requires us to buy a total of 15 squares, one more than in previous cases, but let's just see how our chances are:

P(5 faces) = 5/14
P(three wins) = (5/14)^3 = 125/2744 (~4.56%)
P(two wins out of three) = (5/14 x 5/14 x 9/14) x 3 = 675/2744 (~24.6%)
P(one win out of three) = (5/14 x 9/14 x 9/14) x 3 = 1215/2744 (~44.3%)
P(no wins) = (9/14)^3 = 729/2744 (~26.6%)

By introducing a further 1.6% chance of not winning, we see that we've bought ourselves a nearly 5% chance of winning three times in a row. Granted, this is a rather slim chance, and you have to be pretty lucky to win three stuffed animals for that tantrum-throwing girlfriend of yours, but your chances of winning at least once remains relatively unchanged at around 73.4%, fairly close to the 3/4 (75%) in the previous case. So, in my opinion, no reason to be parsimonious over two bucks, and who knows, maybe you'll be the one in twenty who gets to go home with three stuffed animals and one happy girlfriend.

Onto four rounds of 4 squares: (that's 16 squares total)

P(4 wins) = 256/38416 (~0.666%)
P(3 wins) = 2560/38416 (~6.66%)
P(2 wins) = 9600/38416 (~25%)
P(1 win) = 16000/38416 (~41.65%)
P(no wins) = 10000/38416 (~26%)

The improved odds over the last (3 rounds x 5 squares) scenario is partly due to the fact that we're now buying 16 squares total. Nevertheless, the improvement in the odds of three wins out of four makes this an attractive option, since the odds of winning at least once is also increased to just under 74%.

Of course, I've tried to keep the total number of squares as close to 14 as possible here for the sake of comparisons, but there's no stopping you rich folks from increasing the stakes now is there? So what if we decided to increase the stakes by 50% over two rounds? That is, let's buy 9 squares each round instead of 7. So here's two rounds of 9 squares:

P(9 faces) = 9/14
P(two wins) = (9/14)^2 = 81/196 (~41.3%)
P(one win) = (9/14 x 5/14) x 2 = 90/196 (~45.9%)
P(no wins) = (5/14)^2 = 25/196 (~12.8%)

By not scrimping on your stakes, we've cut the winless chances by nearly half, simply by upping your stakes by less than half (from 14 to 18). What if we went a little further and did 10 squares each time for a total of 20?

P(10 faces) = 10/14 = 5/7
P(two wins) = (5/7)^2 = 25/49 (~51%)
P(one win) = (5/7 x 2/7) x 2 = 20/49 (~40.8%)
P(no wins) = (2/7)^2 = 4/49 (~8.16%)

Eureka! We now actually have better than one in two chances of winning twice in a row. And still we've upped our expenses by less than 50%!

I hope this entry has helped you rethink your strategies for the next time you visit the games at the Stampede. Certainly, these carnies have ripped us off collectively long enough. It's time to play the odds and try to win one back for the masses. Or two. Or three.

P.s. Of course, as I stated at the beginning, I've assumed a fair die for simplicity. To improve your chances further, I would suggest you try to observe the patterns of the die. I've heard reports of certain faces showing up more often than others. Use this to your advantage when deciding which squares to buy; this will increase your chances even more!